10 Things I hate about You à la Nia

I hate the way you talk to me when you are tired or someone else around you,

and the fact that you are miles away.

I hate the way you not replying my SMS when I really expect it,

I hate it when you not being serious when you actually have to.

I hate how you can sometimes know exactly what I wanna say or feel,

and the way you can read my mind.

I hate you so much it makes me sad,

it even makes me cannot sleep at night, last night.

I hate the way you're always right,

I hate it when you never get angry.

I hate it when you, then, can make me laugh,

even worse when you make me cry.

I hate it because you're not around,

and the fact that you sometimes didn't keep your promise.

But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you,

not even close!

not even a little bit!

not even at all.

Letter from today's headline

Dear Stefy,

I ruined everything, did I?
Ah yeah,.. like you don't know me.
I was preparing everything, nicely and neatly; yet I ruined it.

Ah, I blamed you.
Are you still feeling guilty?
Hm,.. you shouldn't.
I reckon it was just me being such a loser.

I told Golda, just now
"Gol, I am strange, ya know?"
"I was furious with Stefy. I didn't even want to answer his phone and now I am feeling guilty because he feels guilty."
What should I do?

I don't even know my own feeling.
Furious, anger, sad, disappointment, or just miss?
Yeah,.. probably it. I miss you.

Everything is related.
I miss you so much and I hate that I cannot meet you today.
You did not call either.
It made me even furious because I miss you.
I was disappointed because you didn't keep your promise
and acted like you didn't care about today
like we could meet each other everyday and payback our absence today.

Ah yeah,.. missing.

Nita said "Think positively, next year you wil celebrate this day with him, in Indonesia, together."

It is true.

Stef, I don't know why we often face problems during our anniversary.
I just realized, that probably God gives us graduation exam
to enter the next level.

Are we going to pass this exam?
I hope we are.

Call me
or send me SMS as soon as you feel better.
Sorry to make you feel guilty.

FYI, I am not angry anymore
Golda cheered me up today,.. the whole day
(Golda, sorry for being my victim today)

Love you,

Nia,
29th March 2006, 23:21

A letter from the past

I don’t know what I should write, but I’ll try y best, Ok?!

Time flies, doesn’t it? I still remember when we first started our second grade senior high school. Fewh,.. and now we are already graduated, and we will say goodbye to each other (it is very sad).

Although it is sad that we will be separated, I am also very happy that I have known a girl like you: cheerful, noisy, have a great vision, but also like to sleep and eat like a king-kong (heheh) and many more.

I am not only happy; yet I am very proud and thankful to God for His gift to me, which is “you”. I believe that you are the greatest gift that I have ever received. So I am very glad to have a person like you.

Hm,.. honestly, I had never imagined to have a girlfriend, this soon, but God provided. During our relationship, I sometimes felt, “Poor Nia, she has a boyfriend like me, who doesn’t really show his attention to her.” However, we have been through it, through all the good things and bad things.

But, I have received a lot of meaningful and useful things from you during our relationship, and I hope you too. When I wrote this, I felt very sad, “why do we have to go through this? Why do you have to go to the Netherlands?” But yeah,.. I know these are our ways. I know you have always been wanted to go there, so do your best and do not ever disappoint me, ehehhe. But seriously, I know that we can go through these,.. but sometimes I doubt, too, he he he just kidding!

Yeah, I know it is hard, but I am sure that God will make a way and I am sure everything is going to be fine. Oh yeah, I also want to say sorry to you; sorry for every mistakes I have done, from the tiniest mistake to the hugest. From the first time we fought because when I was badly ill, yet I still played football, until the latest fight when I told you I would be home around 3 o’clock, yet I was home very late.

And also thank you that you would comprehend me and also forgive me, especially when I was being such a weirdo last few months, around March ‘till May. Thank you very much that you could understand me at those times. Yet, the most important thing is thank you for loving me.

When I wrote this (page), it was after you said that it was very difficult to depart to the Netherlands, but as I said before, everyone has her own ways, so do not be sad, ok! Coz, Each day has enough trouble of its own (matt 6:34). (heheh,.. do you remember these words?) Hm,. I don’t know what I should write,… hm,.. let me think.

Oh yeah,.. do you remember when I first held your hand. I am sure of course you still remember. It was when you had “appendices” (so to say). I remember clearly when you were in the hospital, after you told me what happened with you. I didn’t know what to say, thus I just held your hand. Maybe, at that time, because I couldn’t say it, but by holding your hand, I would say that I love you, no matter what, and I was sure that we could go through any things. Thus, every time I hold your hand, I always remember that moment. Hm,… it has always been awkward, though to recall that moment. Lately, a couple weeks before you leave to NL, every time I held your hand, I always felt bad; I was very sad every time I remembered you would leave me. It seemed very difficult to see the fact that we would be separated. But at the same time, I also thought the same thing I had thought in the hospital, “I love you and we will go through this” (READ IT OUT LOUD! Heheheh).

He,.. I also just recalled the 7^th January moment. It was awful, right? Thankfully, it didn’t go through. I sometimes still couldn’t imagine saying that to you. Fewh,.. anyway, the most important thing is that we have been through it, and I thank God for it.

Ah,.. I have been writing sad things,.. stop stop. I think I will end this letter, because I don’t know what to write anymore. Yeah,.. you know, your boyfriend doesn’t have talent in writing.:)

Good luck over there and may God bless you always. And also don’t forget, God loves you, so do I. :)

Bubye, and take care, also don’t forget to eat well and take rest, especially when you are ill. Remember this, okay. And the last sentence, I love you.

Stefy, 2002

- this letter is posted in relevant to our 5th anniversary, 29th March -
p.s. stefy, i hope you are okay I post this.

In the middle of the night

Insomnia

Some people said it is an illness, a sickness not being able to sleep.
For me..

Insomnia is rather a choice

..a choice not to sleep.

Many unfinished business.

I don't know how I have managed my days lately.
I have made appointments to everyone. I said 'yes' to almost everything.
I kept writing unnecessary things,..
browsing silly stuffs on the Internet
not even thinking that I have to face my old, nice, wise tutor on Monday
WITH MY CASE STUDY READY!

My goodness!
Lend me your courage to say 'no'
to stop everybody tempting me, asking me to do this, or that
to shut the world up! so that I can just sit behind my laptop
to concentrate ONLY on my final dissertation, my case study.

In the end of the day, when I fad up
I usually cry,.. saying to the world,. I miss home,..
calling up my mom,..
or Stefy,..
saying I miss you, I miss home, I wanna go home ASAP!
even worse, I will suffer an idle-thought-syndrome: me thinking about non-sense.

Is it winter depression?
Is it a stress?
Is it an illness?

No, Nia
It is just you being lazy.

Now,.. continue your case study, lady!

p.s. for everyone who know how to write case study, please supervise me!! I am begging you.

Can i do this?

Another day off, at home, around mid day

I probably have shared that I am now reading every woman’s, discovering God’s plan for sexual and emotional fulfillment. Last Saturday, I was reading the chapter about Fear of the Future.

Shannon Ethridge, the writer, had been facing a problem regarding the fear of being faithful to one guy, for the rest of her life. I have been (or am), probably, facing this kind of problem. It is very easy for me to fall to another guy, to feel attracted to another guy, especially if this guy gave me what I expected: attention, care, and being a good listener; especially that I am now having thing long-distance relationship. I have been very desperate with myself; I have ever felt very disappointed with myself. How could you keep falling into the same holes?

I don’t know how many times Stefy has fallen into this kind of ‘holes’, and I don’t want to count and compare his with mine; but I reckon, I have more. There was a time I asked myself, “Nia, if you cannot be faithful now, how could you do that in the future? You cannot keep changing husbands by the time you get bored with one?”

I have ever shared in my blog, on May 2005, when I attended a seminar by Garry Chapman about love that I learned about this topic. I am sure that God reminded me again about this, as I and Stefy are entering our sixth year of relationship.

Shannon Ethridge shared that she loved taking youth groups to a high-ropes challenge course. There people gear up with helmets and safety pads and are connected to a guide wire in order to waltz across a twelve-foot balance beam suspended twenty-five feet in the air between two telephone poles. Wooooww,.. excited heh!? For me, it would be an remarkable moment. I have never done this kind of dangerous thing before. During my high school period, I nagged my mom saying I wanted to do bungee-jumping. She clearly refused my proposal. Thus,.. the most dangerous, yet exciting thing I have ever done is only parasailing. Cool, tho! For my brother, doing what Shannon Ethridge shared above, would stop his heart and kill him immediately.

Before people climb the telephone poles, Shannon always ask, “Would you have a problem walking across a wooden beam that was two inches off the ground?” Most of them would say no, and Shannon reminds them that walking across a beam twenty-five feet in the air is physically no different. The only difference is the mental challenge of overcoming the fear of heights. Success comes when we tune out the surroundings and focus on putting one foot in front of the others.

When Shannon was struggling with her problem of being faithful to one person, she went to her mentor. Amazingly, her mentor asked this question: “Can you be faithful for one day?” She scoffed at the ridiculousness of the question (if she chatted on the Yahoo Messenger with her mentor, she would send “rolling on the floor laughing” emoticon), then she answered “of course! It is not one day that I am worried about, it is the rest of my life. Can I be faithful to my husband, one husband, for the rest of my life?”

Her mentor said “life consists of one twenty-four-hour period after another. If you can be faithful for one day, you’ve got it made. You just do the same thing the next day and the next day.”

The simplicity of this story, especially Shannon’s mentor answer, floored me. Yeah,.. I recognize that! It is always an issue in my life that I try to drag my future to one day.

Taking one day at a time and trusting our future to God is all it takes. That’s why in the Lord’s prayer, it says “give us today our daily bread.” That’s why God rained down bread from heaven, and eggs from the birds and Israelites could eat as much as they wanted but not to store the food; God provided their food daily. You know why God did (and still does) this? It is so that we become dependence on Him.

When we change our focus from the distant future to the immediate present, we gain strength and courage to overcome the fear of what we may encounter down the road. Don’t focus on whether you can be faithful to one man (or woman for the male readers) for a lifetime – just focus on being faithful to him (or her) just for today. Then do the same thing tomorrow, and the next day, and the next.

In the end, I would like to share that since I attended Garry Chapman’s seminar, I have been much faithful to him. In these two years, I have felt attracted to another guy for once, ONLY once. Some of you probably amazed by this amount and ask how I could manage this, but some of you might also mock me for being unfaithful, even only once. For the former readers, I will give you a tip (that I have shared before, too). If you meet a cute guy, or a guy that meets your requirements, say to yourself and God “Thank you God for your cute creature” or “I praise Your name that in this day I can still find this kind of nice guy. I pray so that he finds an equal partner” or many other things but paying attention to or praising this guy. (it is also applicable to the male readers. Just eliminate the word ‘guy’ and replace with ‘gal’ or ‘girl’ or ‘woman’.) For the latter readers, please pray for me so that I do not again slip up into this kind of trouble.

Thus, woman, fight with me in this battle, together with our Father!

Acute homesick

If I were Queen Beatrix' niece,
I would have booked my ticket to Indonesia this morning.

If I were not working my ass to earn some money and spare some, too
I would have flown home

If I were not having a dissertation about EU and TCS
I would have been with my family and my dog, just under the same roof, sharing the laugh, day and night.

If I were insane,
I would have called Oom Rob from Cathay for a ticket to Indonesia

If I were a spoiled baby,
I would have called my mom, cried on the phone, begged and nagged to go home as soon as possible.

If I were employed by Microsoft, as Bill Gates' personal secretary,
I would have flown to Indonesia this morning, with the first flight to Indonesia (if it is possible first class please), and back to the Netherlands on Tuesday morning, just before the meeting with my FD tutors.

Since I am VERY healthy,
I am just a poor student,
and my brain is just tranquil,
all I do is sitting here, behind my laptop, sometimes crying, sometimes getting upset, sometimes just being silent, and if I am brave enough, I will pray to God asking Him to let me go back home as soon as possible because I terribly miss my family and, of course, Bang Tepy.

Since my amazing parents have sent me here to study, which actually in purpose to make my brain to operate rationally,
all I do is working very hard with my FD,
bothering ulma with my emails and files about FD (sorry for this, ul!),
spending my time doing nothing but researching, browsing, and writing FD draft,
and praying that everything will go smoothly and finish on time
and that's why,.. I proudly present our (me and ulma) FD blog : http://nia-ulma.blogspot.com/

Oh, this acute homesick has defeated me!
Lord, help me.

I wanna go home,..

Desperate student-life

It is almost the end of my student life.
If I flash back to the years I was sitting in the class, listening to my boring teachers (FYI, not all teachers), or probably a great fun of secretly eating some snack during the class (eating during classes was of course forbidden in Indonesia), I would love to be a student again, especially a high-school student.

Now it is almost over.
I just need to have a good teamwork with ulmie, co-orporate with our contact person from the company we are doing our research with, and in the next four months we will be graduating (ulmie,.. crossing finger!!). Probably I will still have some more years to study (if God allows me to continue my study in the graduate level), but,.. yeah,.. come on, master student? It is not the real student. I think. But,.. we’ll see.

Looking up to the title I apply for this article, it will probably remind you to your favorite soap, Desperate Housewives. I don’t actually follow this series, but it happened once or twice when I had my dinner and I accidentally watched it. From my point of view (which might be wrong), it is just about comparing one woman’s life to the others.

It happened to me, too, when I was not satisfied at all with what I had at that moment. I couldn’t stop comparing myself to others.

So, let’s go through my silly thoughts one by one

Elementary School

1. No girls want to befriend with me
2. My female classmates think I am a slut because I had more male friends than female friends.

Junior high-school

1. (Again) My female classmates think I am a slut because I had more male friends than female friends.
2. No boys like me because I am not attractive.
3. Everybody hates me
4. I am stupid. I wish I had a brain like my brother’s; he is very good at school.
5. I am an irritating person, no one likes me.

Senior high-school

1. (Still) I am an irritating person, no one likes me.
2. I am not pretty at all! I should know a little bit about fashion or make-up
3. I am very bad at school. I wish I was as smart as my brother.
4. I am a FAT PIG! No one finds me attractive.
5. I am a weirdo
   

University

1. (Still) I am a FAT PIG!
2. I wish I could know more about webdesigning or graphic designing.
3. I wish I had a better internship, a well-paid internship.
4. I wish my parents are richer.
5. I am not attractive at all!
6. Nia, you are the most embarrassing creature in the whole world!
7. Oh my gosh, your boyfriend is cheated on you!
8. You have no friends in the Netherlands! Everybody hates you.
9. I cannot speak Dutch. No Dutch people will befriend with me, because it is difficult to communicate with me.

And probably I still have some more stupid thoughts in my head. FYI, most of them are lies,. They are incorrect!

I don’t have to explain my thoughts one by one, or if you want, you can always ask me how come I had those stupid thoughts. Probably, I will talk about some of them; some which I thought had a big impact in my life.

Being fat!
It is a thought that has been signed in since the first time I became a teenager. I always felt fatter than other girls, especially when I looked to girl magazines or television or fashion show. I had been through some diets during my high school. Probably I wasn’t very slim, yet I wasn’t fat. I was just healthy.

The fear of being fatter and fatter made me even want to suffer to lose weights. There was a moment when I often throw up the food I had eaten. I did that because I thought it was a very easy way; I didn’t have to follow any diets, yet I would lose weight. It happened several months. No one knew. Until I had a chat with my favorite teacher, my biology teacher, and she said that throwing up food like that could damage my body. Then, I stopped.

Recently, I sometimes still felt that I was fat. Especially when I went back to Indonesia. Hundreds of people would tell me that I was chubbier, fatter, or ‘healthier’. Afterwards, I would feel very bad, and then look into the mirror saying “Oh my gosh, Nia! You are fat! Look at your cheeks. You are not attracted at all! What are you doing in that t-shirt? You look like a sausage.”

Thankfully I have never done the throwing-up thingy again.

I changed my mind, radically, when one of my good friend, Tam, told me that we are God’s temple (1 Corinthians 3:16 “You realize, don't you, that you are the temple of God, and God himself is present in you?”). Thus, our body is God’s temple. Tam added that if our body is God’s temple, thus we have to take care of it. Bad diet or to suffer to get an ideal body (ideal = according to your point of view) is not right.

From that moment, I changed my eating behavior. Sometimes, stupid thought tries to enter my head, saying “Nia, you are fatter. Oh, look, Nia, the girl over there is thinner than you!” But no,.no,.. I don’t allow it to enter my head. I usually pray and look into the mirror, saying “You are a perfect God’s creature. God doesn’t make mistake when He created you.”

Not attractive
I met my elementary school classmate through Friendster. We talked about what we were up to and where we were, and then we looked each others’ pictures in Friendster. She then said “Nia, you are cute like you always were. Since you were in elementary school you looked like this.”

I stunned.
I didn’t believe what I heard.
She was a cool, cute girl (according to my point of view) in our elementary school. A boy I fancied liked her.

Hm,.. maybe I should have given more credits to myself.

How about you?
It is not a moment of ‘praising myself’ or “look at me! I am beautiful” moment. It is a moment to think about ourselves. What silly thoughts that have entered my head? What kind of stupid things that stayed in my head and that I have to get rid of? Who am I actually?

It is natural that some girls are cuter than you, thinner than you, has more beautiful hair than you. But you, probably, have the most beautiful eyes that your classmate envies. You probably have the cutest lips you roommate has always wanted. You are probably very organized and so clean that your housemate desperately wants to be like you. Or you are probably the warmest and most charming person that other people will be just like you. Or you have the funniest story that everybody will love to hear. Or…you are very good at PHP or HTML so that you have the most promising internship.

What should I do?
I, now, normally pray when I recognize this kind of battle. I will ask God to fill my head with His words not with all the lies that could defeat me. It always works.

Thus, friends, it is always an issue that your neighbor has a greener garden; yet do you know that you have the most beautiful rose in your garden? Yes, believe me, you do.

Nothing worth having comes easy

I am now, at this very moment, ready to go to bed. I was, two hours ago, also very ready for bed. I have planned my night so well: watching Scrubs, reading some PDFs I received from Jimmy, reading my ‘every woman’s battle’ book and sleeping. However, I ruined it. I kept watching Scrubs, because Carla and Turk were in problems; they might be having divorced.

Anyhoe (it is my new word, getting from J.D. from Scrubs, which means ‘anyway’), the last episode I watched did really make me cry. Dr. Bob Kelso was warning his overweight patient who wanted to have bypass surgery because she was afraid of going through exercises and having diet to lose weight. Then, Dr. Kelso said “…Nothing worth having comes easy.”

It was the time when tears came out.

I realized it occurring in my family situation; actually, our finance situation. Some of you might know that my family has faced very difficult situation lately and it has been almost four years. There were moments when I and also my mum were stressed out, desperate and felt that God might have forgotten my family. As I have ever shared, I had ever thought that God might have forgotten our home address; he forgot where he had to post His blessings.

Everything seemed too long. We had done our best; yet there wasn’t any result. There were even worse moments when our friends deceived us; they were very discouraging moments.

There were also some periods when I always went to bed, crying, asking God what His plan actually was; what He actually had in His mind.

It is faith that keeps me together until this very day. It is faith that makes me sure that God didn’t despise me, despise us. It is faith that makes me choose to put my trust in Him and trust in His unfailing love.

Psalm 22: 23-24

You who fear the LORD, praise him!

For he has not despised or disdained
the suffering of the afflicted one;
he has not hidden his face from him
but has listened to his cry for help.

There were a moment, when I was down, very down and my mum seemed stressed, too. I remembered, then, I said “Mum, don’t worry! Probably God actually wants to give us a lot of money in the end. He would make us a millionaire. You know,.. so that’s why we now have to suffer. It is like a practice! Thus, if we are rich, later, we will not be arrogant. We will always humble and remember these days.” It was actually a joke. It cheered us up, though.

We kept praying. I fasted, though never completed, yet I tried. My mum did, too. I believe my dad, who barely talked to me about this sort of thing, prayed even harder (not harder as using harder voice, but more seriously); so did my brotha,..!

And He did answer our prayers.

We made it! We have been through the test. Okay,.. probably not 100% yet, not completed yet, however my mum and I could sense that we are not on the right track.

I can now imagine, God is saying from heaven “So, Nia, nothing worth having comes easy.”

Are you now in the same situation like I did or do? Do you doubt that someone is actually listening to your prayer? Or do you not even bother to pray? I tell you, friends, do pray. Like Abram was very bold to approach God to bargain about the destruction of Sodom and Gomorra, and God listened and approved His prayer, we are also able to approach Him, talk to Him and say anything out of your heart.

Are you now sitting in a “waiting room”? you have been prayed wholeheartedly, yet no answers yet; trust in Him and wait patiently for Him. Remember, nothing worth having comes easy. It applies to everything; either it is you crave for a new pair of boots, you are desperately willing to fly back home as soon as possible, you are tired of working extra shifts just to pay your rent, or it is you have to wait for the ‘moment’ of your relationship.

Okay,.. now say it after me “Nothing worth having comes easy”

Good :)

(p.s. adrian, i dedicate this article for you)

I miss you more

Cause I’ve been away too long
and every day I missed you more.
You look like you did before,
only prettier
Every day I love you more
I love you more...

(by Racoon - Love you more)

Before I fell asleep, last night, I accidentally listened to this song.
I suddenly recall my long distance relationship.
Hm,.. yeah,.. i have been away too long.

I hope, when I go back to Surabaya on July, someone will sing this song for me :)

(Stef, I would actually like to sing it for you, but there is
a text "...only prettier" in it, which doesn't fit when I sing it for you.
So you better sing it for me. Okay? :P)

Note for Ega: sing it for Neni! hhehehhe :)

Don't worry, be happy and drink lots of cocoa

01.03.06
By Steve Connor

Men who are blessed with a sunny disposition and a predilection for a cup of cocoa before bedtime are also likely to live longer, scientists have discovered.

Two separate studies in the Netherlands have found that regular cocoa drinkers have lower blood pressure than non-drinkers and that an optimistic outlook helps you to avoid heart disease.

Both studies looked at large numbers of men between the ages of 64 and 85 who were interviewed about their lifestyles in order to tease out any associations with potentially lethal diseases.

Meanwhile, over the 15 years of the study looking at cocoa drinking, the scientists found that the men with the highest consumption levels had significantly lower blood pressure than those who hardly drank the beverage.

The study also found that regular cocoa drinkers were also at half the risk of developing serious heart disease compared to non-drinkers and were more likely to live longer, according to Dr Buijsse and his colleagues.

One theory is that cocoa powder is a rich source of antioxidants, such as plant flavanols, and that these natural substances help to prevent a range of diseases associated with damage due to aerobic metabolism.

"Because cocoa is a rich source of anti-oxidants," the scientists say, "it may also be related to other diseases that are linked with oxidative stress, for example pulmonary diseases, including chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, and certain types of cancer."

What's in a bean

* Cocoa beans contain a range of anti-oxidants including plant flavanols.
* Flavanols are thought to increase nitric oxide in the blood.
* That is thought to improve the function of blood vessels.
* Anti-oxidants help to prevent a range of diseases associated with damage due to aerobic metabolism.

source:http://www.nzherald.co.nz/section/story.cfm?c_id=2&ObjectID=10370441