Tuesday, August 31, 2004

friends, forever?

\Friend"ship\, n. [AS. fre['o]ndscipe. See
Friend, and -ship.] 1. The state of being friends; friendly relation, or attachment, to a person, or between persons; affection arising from mutual esteem and good will; friendliness; amity; good will. (http://www.dictionary.com)

you must be wondering why I put a definition about friendship above, yes, I would like to share, or probably, discuss, what we normally think about friendship, specifically best friends.

is friendship just a relation with your friends when you go out with them every saturday night? is it a relation with people that you meet everyday at school or work? are they your housemates that you call best friends? or does friendship mean close relation with your best friends, someone that you can trust, you can rely onto and share a lot of things together? does best friends suppose to mean people that support you in good and bad times?

or is it just me that pathetically think this pattern?

I used to adore friendship, forever friends, best friends etc. I loved my friends. Do you remember when you were at high school, most of you must think that your parents were not modern. They didn't understand you. You felt really bad at home and you better relied on your mates, your 'friends'. I did.

Then, once, I lost all of them. Ironic, isn't it?
I would not tell the full-version of the story, but basically, I'd learned that not every friends were your best friends. I should not easily trust people and think they are your best friends. Since then, I thought that friendship hardly existed. I did promise to myself not to easily trust people.

It worked.
I didn't have friends for a while. I became extra-introvert. I always stayed in my comfort zone. But once, I felt empty, lonely.
When I came to netherlands to study, I was deadly jealous with groups of students who were really close to each other as if they were brothers and sisters. I thought, "Uh... I want to be like them. I want to have friends that could treat me as their friend and sister as well, since I am alone here."

God made my wish come true. I did have what I wanted.
but now, the beautiful so-called friendship cheated on me again.

I was questioning lately, what if your 'best friends' or, you can call them your brothers or sisters because you were really close to them, you live under the same roof and had share a lot of things together, exclude you from the topic that they'd shared to each other?
you know what I mean?
thus, they shared something to each other, that is actually quite important, but they didn't tell you at all.

At one hand, I felt, okay, I am ridiculous, I am not supposed to get angry, I don't have a right to. But, on the other hand, I felt really really dissapointed. Who did they think I am if they didn't share something important to me? If we are that close and they still think I am a stranger, oh,.. okay,.. I am sorry, It could possibly that I assumed it wrong.

Bacon said "there is little friendship in the world". it is so true. Only One who can always be your true friend.

Sunday, August 29, 2004


I've been crying a lot lately

God is full of mystery. I could never figure out what He wants in my life.
A couple times ago, when I felt that my faith is so strong
I put my trust in Him
He seems fully controlling my life, throughout my day, every problems and happiness.
when I felt that faith so strong, now I easily lose it
I felt so distant
not because I am not trying to be close to Him

I still read bible everyday, I pray everyday
but I could not just understand what He wants

I lose one by one part of my life
first, I kindof lose my favorite room that I've got for a while
I love this house, though sometimes it's annoyed by roaches
second, my grandpa was so ill, I could cry for him
then, money problems, which every people problem, came up in my life
my family back home is still remain in 'unproper condition'

it's like the problems would not stop coming to my life
when I asked why
line of scriptures I've read came up to my brain
I just knew the answer, but
I could not resist the tempation to ask "God, what do you want in my life?"
I doubt Him

I cried, just now
but Jesus did as well
"He Wept" (John 11:35)

Lord, I believe You know what I need
You know every hair I have, and please teach me to surrender

In the name of Jesus

Thursday, August 26, 2004

who is Jesus?

Have you seen the new documentary film, super size me, which tells about Americans eating behaviour?
I have.

Do you think it makes sense when I cried while I was watching that film?
I did.

When Morgan Spurlock did a research to measure the popularity of McDonald by attending an elementary school, he showed children some pictures and asked who is in the picture. He showed the picture of Jesus Christ, and do you know how many children could answer it? NONE! Even one of them said that it was George W. Bush. While Morgan showed Ronald McDonald's picture, every single child knew the answer. How pathetic is that???

Do the children suppose to know who had created them? who had created the whole world? But they didn't. I was crying. I felt really sorry about the whole concept of hedonism.

On the other hand, I felt quite happy this morning. I read newspaper that Ducth governments at this moment try to put 'God' back to education. It will be obligated to 'introduce' religion and God to students in every school/institution in the Netherlands. They do this because Netherlands used to be a catholic country. Now, they will put back that image and remain as a religious country (even they are actually not, yet). This news relieves me, at least.

Praise the Lord! He will reveals himself, in his ways.

Sunday, August 22, 2004

dear grandpa,

i know that it's been a long time I haven't see you. What kind of granddaughter I am if I didn't call you regularly and let you know how I was. But deep in my heart, I do really love and care about you.

Knowing that you were in a bad condition made me stressfully speechless. I could just lay on my couch and look to my lap top, reading every word that my mom typed through MSN messenger.

I don't think it's fair. I haven't seen you for long time and I have plan to see you next february. I've planned to do my internship in Indonesia in order to see you. I don't care about offers to do my internship in the Netherlands or any other places, I just want to be home soon. I know that your time won't be long, but why now?

But I know, what men plan is not the same as what God plans. He has plans which are beyond our imagination (Isaiah 55:8-9).

Grandpa, if I could not see you anymore, I just want to let you know that I love you. You have been so kind to me, as a grandpa who led me when I was down, who thought me accountancy in my first grade highschool and who provided abundantly my needs. Thank you for your unconditional love.

God be with you.

Love, your granddaughter,


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Monday, August 16, 2004

weirdo of the month

I felt something weird lately: when I sat behind my laptop, searched something in the internet or just chatted with some friends, I would definitely find out something wrong with my life or my appearances. Is it normal?

Let's say about my internship. I found two internship, one in Amersfoort, the Netherlands, and another in Jakarta, Indonesia. Both of them are working in Christian fields, which has been my wish and promise to God to work in a Christian field, use my talent to serve God. Good! But when I knew my friends, or just my classmates found another cool-internship, for example in BMW head office, or probably in famous food or ad company in Indonesia, I would be deadly jealous. I would then felt that I am such a loser, who could not find a qualified place but a non profit organisation and small company to work. How pathetic is that??

In the next few hours, I would then realise how good that I've found places to do my internship, how about they who haven't found yet?

Another thing that annoyed me is my appearances. I know that I am not 'that' pretty, but at least I am not ugly at all. I can dress myself, I know how to put basic make-up on my face, and I know basic things about girls, but when I saw my friends' pictures, know how pretty they are, or how different they are from me, I would, again, feel sorry about myself. I would consider myself as a fat, unattracted, and sloppy girl. Bad huh?

Even worst is when both two things above happened at the same time. I would think that I better just curl up and die.
In the end of the day, I would realise everything is a lie. I would know that I am maybe not perfect, but I have something, the beauty of the Lord that shine from my appearance. Maybe my works won't give me abundant income monthly, but they will praise God in their ways and God, himself, will use my works and me to tell other people about Christianity. Good huh?!
But, first thing I desperately WANT to do is to get away my 'weirdoity' at the first place. or is it almost my period? uh,....


Tuesday, August 10, 2004

LOVE sets you free

No body never heard the title above, I believe so. Even Sting and The Police sang a song about it, called "if you love someone set them free", or Kelly Price that sang "Love sets you free". What funny is, I found a site full of jokes about love that set you free. Check this out !!http://www.openface.ca/~dstephen/love.htm

I do personally want to share something. When you read or hear about love that set you free, you would probably think that It is indeed sweet, but which loser would do that. Some of you might think that if you love someone, you have to keep them so tight that you could not lose them, or probably if you have let them free, which means you broke up with them, you mostly wouldn't take them back. Am I right? At least it is for me. So, for me 'love sets you free theory' would never exist.

But someone has proven that I was wrong. Yes, indeed, I am wrong.

We'd been together for a long time. I would not mention how long it is. We'd been through long-distance relationship as well, which was terribly difficult; it was also the reason why we broke up. Cliche huh? Okay,.. I won't talk about LDR, but, let me tell you a wonderful story about the topic above.

Our relationship had to be ended last December (Uh, I don't literally remember the date), but since then, we still had a good relation. We called each other, sent e-mails and SMS, and basically, we were still thinking about each other. But for me, it was just until a couple months. After that, I had a lot of tempations that I could hardly resist, so that occasionally I forgot him, then thought about him again.

Watching your friends in couples would make you feel sad. Sometime it was the reason why I could like someone else. Bad huh? But at that time I didn't feel that way; I thought "Okay, I am single, so why I should be still burdened with my last relationship. How about if God wants me to find someone else?", thus I was kind of open myself to a new relationship. However, I've never had any serious relationship with anyone; just in the line of interesting in someone or looking cute guys.

Lately, I realised how much love my ex-boyfriend has for me. He still patiently waits for me. He called me and ocassionally sent me e-mail, though not often, but it shows he is care about me. Many things happened lately, which awakened me from my unconciousness. I, now, can clearly see who he is. I, then, repented my faults and he forgave me and understood what I did.

If I were him, I would not do as he does now. He knew what I did; he knew when I fell down, but He still wants me back. It is proven the 'love sets you free' theory.

No no,.. it is not happy ending yet. I can write this post after the last conversation with him, though we are not together yet. We still prefer to stay friends until we meet again. In the mean time, we pray to God to follow His will.


Friday, August 06, 2004

One night in Amsterdam

Staring at people
they walking behind you
beside you
beyond you
what do you expect next ?
what happen is you are into it
the greed that you sweat
lush that you breathe
you are addicted

I don't know why. I just got home, opened my laptop (actually it's my flatmate laptop), and came up with the poem above.

I went to Amsterdam this evening. I promised to my friend to go somewhere with him. I did not truly want to go, not because I don't enjoy going with my friend, but I just don't have money. However, for me, promise is a promise. We would actually go to one Jazz Cafe, Bitterzoet cafe, but we didn't because it seemed so boring. Thus, we decided to go to another cafe, Gateaway cafe. It was okay.

When you asked the reason behind my poem, I would tell you that I was not comfortable at all in Amsterdam. By the time I arrived at Dam Square, I just saw people surrounded me. Stores are everywhere, selling lush and greed. First, maybe I felt that I wanted them. I wanted new clothes, shoes, accessories, and many more. Then, remember what happened in my family at this moment, I felt gulity, I felt uncomfortable at all, and then in the end I went mad. I was just not belong to that community.

I was asking God, why? How could I afford all those things I need (or maybe I want)? Then, in the end, I remember God been saying through Paul in Philipians 4:6, "Don't be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanks giving, present your request to God"
Fewh,.. thank's God for reminding me!! sorry for being so greed and doubt Your Love to me.


Thursday, August 05, 2004

We need honesty, but,..

Lately, I've been suffering for a new sickness called 'guilty feeling of honesty'. Weird huh?

When we talk about honesty, okay, who's not agree with me that honesty is crucial thing, please raise their hands!! (I don't see any hands, hehe). However, what I felt lately is so weird. Okay,.. let's pretend that you did something wrong, hm... maybe you forgot you forgot your appointment with me. Then, I got angry with you and I'd tell you (nicely of course) that what you did was totally wrong. You supposed to write your appointment on your agenda. Okay,.. shortly, let's say that everything was fine in the end.

Then, after I got back home (maybe), I would start thinking what I did say to you. Did I say it right? Did I say it with an anger tone, or did I insult you? I would then think a lot of things negatively.

"So then, what's the point of honesty if in the of the day you would feel guilty?!!" (I asked it to myself)

I just don't understand the whole stupidity than happens in my heart. I have been trying to organising the whole 'mind mapping' with: first think first. Thus, think firstly what you gonna say to other people. If you are mad, or not in the right mood, just take a deeeep breath (fewh,...) and then pray (don't forget to exhale, you can't keep your breath forever, can't you? heheh). If you really really get angry, just avoid the people (it's my personal tip, that's what I always do). If you can't talk with that person right away, just avoid him/her, and find another moment to talk to.

The lesson above was done; I could manage it. However, another problem that comes is after it's done; after you've talked to someone and you got a weird feeling questioning what you just said, whether it was right or wrong. I am now working on it. What I plan is to pray (again, coz I think it's the most powerful way to help me) and ask God to get rid all the false feelings in your mind.

Hope it's gonna work out. Since honest is a good thing, I believe God will guide you.

God Bless