Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Before and After

Thus, finally you know the biggest secret of me.
If you feel that you know me well but you don't know this story, I think it is because I was too clever to hide it. I think I could be a celebrity or the next J.Lo one day :P
But anyway,.. at this time, I want to share the story behind that tragedy. If you've read the story, but you are still curious, you would definately be interested with this one. It is like buying a original DVD, you watch the film and you get bonus materials in which 'the making of' or 'the story behind' is included.

Before the tragedy happened, I prayed to God about one thing.
One thing that was in my mind,
about Stefy.

At that year, 2001, we just built our relationship. However, in the last grade of high school, he seemed different; not personally towards me, but more about his attitudes, beliefs and lifestyle. I didn't blame anyone, not even his classmates, which actually could be seen as one of the 'lighter'. No,.. I wouldn't blame anyone.
I knew that it was because he walked away from God.
He was not in His paths. He chose his own paths.

He didn't bother any spiritualy matters, even he did, he did it for formality.

No, it was not his fault either. It was just because there are actually two things that sit in our life, flesh and spirit. The spirit that God has given is indeed powerful, but our flesh is really weak.

I had prayed for him, day and night. I prayed so that his spiritual condition would be healed; I prayed for his relation with God. I also always encouraged him to pray at night, to have his still time and many more.

Until one day, I, kindof, gave up. I asked God what I should actually do.
My best friend came to me at some point, and I shared my problem.
At the end, I said something like this "Fat (his name Yosafat), I think I should suffer or be in a bad condition so that Stefy could be awakened. If I suffered he would definately pray for me, and hopefully his relation with God will be better. I think I should get a sickness or something."
He just laughed, and said "Fool you! it's strange!"

And everything happened,.. suddenly just like that!!!

Strange huh?!
I couldn't believe either.
If you ask what happened next,.. I couldn't specifically answer.
I reckon that Stefy indeed found God's way back, but he wasn't stable
As he is now.
I still pray for him.
He knows indeed that God exists, but he hasn't throughly experienced God existence in his life; he hasn't experienced falling in love with God.

Point to pray: please pray for him and also for me so that I can encourage him and God will use me and his friends to bring him closer to God. Thx

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Flash Back 2001 [part 2]

I did, too.

What I remember is my mom cried. No, she didn’t cry in front of me. She went out, stood in front of the room, and cried. My dad was out of town for his business, thus I assumed my mom called him immediately because I saw him not long after X-Ray scene.

My mom’s best friends came, tried to calm her down. She was really shocked.
How about me?

I stunned. I cried and I smiled.
If you know me well, you would be familiar with my smile to cover up what actually happen in my heart.
I did the same smile.

When no one in the room, I cried loudly, sobbed until I ran out of tears. When someone came in to the room, and asked how I was, or at least calmed me down, I would say that I was okay, I didn’t cry. Instead, I lied that it was my stomachache that made me cry.

Shortly, on that night, I tried to be strong, so that no one would feel sorry for me, or at least I would ease my mom’s pain. If she saw me crying and sobbing, she would be more depressed.

(in the first class non-air conditioner room)
Everybody comes and goes. I am confused with all these.
A doctor said that I am really ill and another said that I don’t have to be that worry – everything would be fine.
One said that I got a tumor, but another said that it wasn’t that bad.
(it is typical Indonesian doctors)

The best thing that happened that night was when Stefy (I hope everybody know who he is) came to the hospital. In the afternoon, I’d sent him SMS to let me know that I was in the hospital. Although I didn’t mention what wrong with me was. He insisted to know, thus I’d said that I got appendicitis.

He comes into the room; my friend who was there for a while went out because he knows that ‘the one’ has come.
He looks at me; he searched for the truth in my eyes, I reckon.
He asked, “So, tell me what’s wrong! (something like that, I think)”
I keep silent.
I don’t want to tell the truth. I don’t want to share him my problem.
Thus, I said again that I have appendicitis.
But,.. he knows that I lie.
He knows.
Thus in the end, I say the truth. “I have tumor in my ovary”.
He stuns; he looks at me again, and he holds my hand.

You know why it is the best part of that night, because he held my hand for the first time in seven months. Hehhehe,.. don’t laugh, don’t be surprised because we are about to move to the next part of my story.

(The next day)
A doctor from gynecology comes into my room. My mom’s best friend called him last night and told me about my condition. My mom’s best friend is a dentist, so she knows a lot of doctors. Thus, she recommended this doctor to observe me.

(It was the worst)
He examines my body and my sickness unpleasantly. I don’t have to tell you how, but it is really bad. I just cry, because it is really hurt.
In the end, he comes up with a conclusion, that I don’t have serious tumor in my body.
He explains that I have cysts in my ovary that are similar with tumors.
Cyst is “An abnormal membranous sac containing a gaseous, liquid, or semisolid substance” (

I could not really explain what cyst is and how it happened, but basically the doctor said that I didn’t have to worry because I just need ‘special treatment’ that could reduce the amount of the cysts and shrink the size.

So, what happen next?
I am still alive!! I am complete, except the ‘special treatment’ that almost killed me. After I was out from the hospital, the doctors told me to go to a gynecology to check my condition regularly. There, I had the ‘special treatment’, which is actually hormone treatment. I had to take pills every night and go to gynecology to get special observation to check how my little-cutie-cysts are. Please, don’t even imagine what they do to me, because they put ‘something’ into my body to check the cysts,… thus next part is better censored.

Just for you information, it is kind of a virus that couldn’t totally disappear from your body. Therefore I really need to take care of myself well. I couldn’t eat red meat (that’s why I now become totally vegetarian), no fast food, no canned products, basically, avoid unhealthy things! When my period comes, I usually would feel unusual pain in my stomach (of course). This pain might also come when I am too tired.

Okay,.. thus basically I am okay. Don’t worry, friends!
However, God indeed let this happened because He wanted me to learn something.
I will tell you in the next post.

I am tired now.
Tomorrow will go to work.
Good night everyone!
God Bless you

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Flash Back 2001

Tonight, I just came from work at Albert Heijn* (Dutch Supermarket) as a cashier. Tired, but I am actually really into my work, finishing my website, but I said to myself, no,.. Nia, it’s weekend, you’d get fade up with your work by the end of this month if you don’t even give time out for yourself. Thus, I decided to lie down in my roommate’s bed, typing something for my blog.

Then, I realized a big thing that I’ve never shared to others yet, a big secret. For you that have known me since in the high school, you could probably remember some days when I was absent from school; I was 10 days off from school. For others, it was in my last grade of high school. I will share to you what had happened on those days.

September 2001
I was so busy. I couldn’t even breathe. I’d a lot of homework and exams, not mention extra courses that I followed. Now, I still have to go to my mathematic lesson. I am so tired.
(I felt something in my stomach)
Oh no, it’s my gastroenteritis. I always have problems with my stomach. If I am too tired, or eat something inappropriate, I would get those symptoms: stomachache, air in my stomach and also noisy in it. Strange!
I just ignore it now! I don’t care. I am a little bit late for my mathematic lesson.

(The week after, in the evening, just came out from the toilet)
No way! I got diarrhea. My gastroenteritis hasn’t been over, now another stomach virus comes to my life. I hate that! I think I will drink some Chinese pills to stop my diarrhea. It’s not bad, but still, annoying! Hm,.. tomorrow I will avoid eating something spicy.

(Next day, early in the morning, awakened by terrible stomachache)
Oh,.. it’s really painful! I can’t stand it anymore. I really need to go to the toilet.
(Thus, I went to toilet, but nothing happened but pain that was getting worse. It was just a strange pain that I’d never felt before. I wasn’t in my period, but it was similar pain, even worse.)
“Mom, I have stomachache. It’s really hurt! It’s not like a normal stomachache I have!” I cried to my mom because it was so painful.
My mom told me to take a rest, to sleep in her bed. She took some medicines and a hot water bottle to redeem my pain; she also rubbed some Chinese oil. Thanks mom!
I felt better, but still, something weird happened in my stomach.

I didn’t go to school that day. I woke up a bit late in the morning, and my mom suggested me to go to the hospital to check what actually happened with me.
(In Indonesia, people can’t go to the doctor in the morning. Doctors open normally in the evening. Thus, if people need medical aid in the morning, they normally go to policlinic or hospital.)

(I went to a hospital, quite far from my house.)
At that hospital, a female doctor check out what wrong with me was. Suddenly she just comes up with an idea that it was my gastroenteritis that got worse. She then gives me an injection to redeem my pain and some pills to be taken home.
Okay,.. I am quite relieved. Thus, I am fine!

I go home and sleep, again.

(Late in the afternoon)
I woke up. Oh thanks God, I am okay! Although I still feel something in my stomach, but it is better. I went to a dining room to eat.
It was the worst.
I feel terribly pain, again in my stomach.
Even worse than what I felt in the morning.
I can’t even walk. I crawl to call my mom.
She comes, shock with my condition.
She lifts me up and rapidly brings me to the hospital.

In the car, I lie down in backseats, not even think of anything only pain in my stomach
Lord, what happen with me?

Shortly, one doctor after another come to investigate what I have. If I could be unconscious in that moment, I would! It is so painful, not only my stomachache, but also dodgy investigation that they do.
Finally, a smart-look doctor comes up with his investigation.
“Your daughter has appendicitis. She has to be in a surgical procedure tonight.”
My mom is surprised, and me too.
But, finally we are quite relieve because we already know my sickness.
The doctor adds, “She needs to be x-rayed first before she would be in a surgery.”

Some nurses bring me to the second floor of the hospital.
Honestly, I am really excited with this surgical procedure. It seems like a movie, you know. In the movie you’ll see a cancer patient, brought to a chemo room or operation room. Cool!

(in the x-ray section)
Wow! It’s a cool machine. I feel exactly like in a movie. All the machines are like in the movie. You know, like when a woman, investigated in this kind of room, and in the end the doctor would figure out that the woman has cancer. Cool!
(I was being investigated, x-rayed, really long)

(I came out from that room, and saw my mom waiting outside the room)
My mom raises a question to the nurse, “Nurse, what time will my daughter will be operated?”
“Hm, actually 8 o’clock in the evening, but now, we have to ask the doctor, because she actually doesn’t have appendicitis” answers the nurse.
My mom confused, “What? So what does she actually have? What happened in the x-ray room?”
The nurse worriedly answered, “She has tumors in her ovary.”

The world seems not moving. I see my mom. My mom stares at me. No one moves; no one talks.

(to be continued)

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Nijmegen 1-3 October 2004 (part 2)

He did!!
Kendall read 2 Corinthians 5:19, which said that He reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation. Furthermore, he mentioned Indonesia as a country that needs gospel; there were still a lot of people haven’t heard the gospel. It answered my prayer; I was sure. I’ve been praying for this.

Referring back to my internship, my supervisor had once offered me to help in Indonesian office, in Jakarta. Another offer from him was to work in United Kingdom in OMF office at Indonesian section. Thus, there were actually some opportunities and signs that might show ‘my path’. Moreover, Indonesia has been in bad condition recently, thus I had indeed prayed for my country, for new president, political situations and many more. Thus, Kendall’s word was indeed a confirmation for me.

The funny part was I stunned; I was amazed. Thus, after Kendall read that phrase, moved forward with his preach and ended with prayer, I was still in my stunning position. In the end, I was awakened by God’s voice that told me it was real. I encountered Kendall and asked him to pray for me. Another good news is that he offered me to join English bible study short course in Amsterdam on January, which will talk about being missionary in Moslem countries. Praise the Lord! I’ve been looking for a bible college and now there is this opportunity.

One More,..
Other blessings I received this weekend were on the last day.
Have you been to 5-hours Sunday Service? I have, which was at that weekend. It was amazing how we kept praying and praying. The Holy Spirit came to that place and cleansed us. One thing that I want to share is related to my feeling of being distant with many people. God spoke to me that Son of God came to the world not to be served but to serve, so do Christians (Matthew 20:28); so should I. Maybe I felt distant; I felt that no one noticed me, and talked to me properly. Now, I could say that I was wrong. If no one came and talked to you, why don’t you come to them first?

I have practiced it last week, and good news, it worked!!
Not only in the Jeugd weekend, but last week in Sunday service.

Last thing (I don’t think it is) is when I saw many people prayed together, especially brothers and sisters prayed together. I was really touched. I remembered that I had a younger brother in Indonesia. We are okay, but we’d never prayed together like that. Oh, I would do that if I go back to Indonesia.

Thus, it was Jeugd Weekend! Many things happened. Now, I have to go back to the real world, move out from my comfort zone, and start sharing God’s love to other people.

One thing, please pray for me about the calling I have to go to Indonesia as well as my opportunity to study in bible college. I always pray day and night. Praise the lord!

Nijmegen 1-3 October 2004 (part 1)

Blessing in the hardship

Jeugd Weekend
I remember first person who asked me to go to this weekend is, not Michael Tan, as he always does to especially newcomers, but Hilbert, the keyboardist. At that time, I answered that I didn’t have any money. It was true.

Until Michael Tan, personally, asked me to go to the retreat. I was confused at that time, and then Malvin, my Indonesian friend wanted me to accompany him to go to the retreat, because in fact he was the only foreigner who couldn’t speak Dutch properly. He didn’t want to be the clown of the retreat so he invited another one. I accepted his invitation. I did actually want to go to be familiar with J-N-C. I have been to GKPB Air Hidup for almost 2 years and I didn’t even have 3 close friends here. Sad, isn’t it?

In the end, many things happened. My grandpa was really ill and I had to go back to Indonesia as soon as possible. He got cancer, which was a nightmare for everyone. I got back and I still had chance to talk to him, for at least two days. Unfortunately he didn’t make it; he passed away. I was really sad. I haven’t met him for two years, and then he is gone. However, I still felt happy, because I could still meet my parents, family and friends. I’d missed them so much, since I’d not been back for two years.

Shortly, I went back to the Netherlands with a lot of things going on my mind, as well as a lot of things to do. I needed to catch up with my study and to start my internship as soon as possible; I needed to return to my part-time job because I was really poor. I had spent most of my savings that I earned from my summer job, to pay the ticket to Indonesia. Even worse, I couldn’t even pay my rent that month, but thanks God, in the end He provided for me.

Therefore, a week before the retreat started, I came to Michael Tan, and said that I couldn’t go. I really couldn’t. Even if I could, I wouldn’t spend money for something ‘unnecessary’ and couldn’t eat properly for a week. He was, at my opinion, a bit mad actually, but he offered me to go without paying, unless I seriously didn’t want to go. As a cat in Sherk 2, I gave gloomy look and nodded.

I did actually want to go. I had to introduce myself to everybody, since I was anonymous for almost two years. I only went to Sunday service, and never had been involved with any of the activities for the youth. Thus, at this time, I really to befriend with new people, though I was a bit scary because my Dutch was not that good.

I am actually a person that always first thinks of prestige, oh yes I am. Therefore, I did pay the cost by myself, although in result I sacrificed a lot of things, but once again, God provides.

I went there with expectation to know people better, apart from the whole sections of the retreat. In contrast, this expectation put me off. I talked with a lot of people, but I just felt that I didn’t belong there; I felt neglected. I reckon it was my Dutch, which wasn’t fluent yet. I cried out to God that night, my first night (I didn’t know whether my roommates noticed this or not). I prayed “God, I know You have plans in my life. I know that You didn’t put me here for nothing. I know that it wasn’t just a recreation for me, but in this church You want me to do something.” I added my personal prayer, about what God has spoken to me lately that I have been praying lately.

Second day, first challenge
The next days, it seemed nothing changes. I still felt distant, even with my group members. They were indeed nice, but I just couldn’t jump over the line to really speak to them. I reckon it was me being introvert. Yet, I was so excited and happy when we were brainstorming for last day performance about Love. We had to perform something about ‘patience’. I think it was the best moment in my group.

Until the night came, it was the last session of Mr. Candelle. He preached about how we apply God’s love through our lives, continuing the first part about how to feel God’s love. I didn’t expect anything, really. However, God’s good, and He is the best!

He answered my prayer (oh, I cry again!)
I’ve been asking about His calling to me. When I was in England, God really drag me to Him. I joined Christian Union and got involved with mission week, in which I needed to encounter people and say something about Christianity. I went to SEEC (South East Eastern Conference) in Reading, London, where God spoke to me that He wanted to use me. However, at that time, I thought that God wanted to use me with my talents: designing, arts and photography. Yet, He confirmed me that He specifically wanted to use me, so that He wanted me to go to Bible College. He’s been speaking that message ever since I was in England. Once, I was so sure to enroll to a bible college that I would stop with my study and apply to a bible college. God was always on time. He told me to postpone it; He wanted me to finish my study first.

God’s been still speaking to me ever since. Lately, it became more obvious. Since I’d started my internship in Missionary organization (OZG-OMF) in Terschuur, near Amersfoort, God’s told me a lot of things. Through many situations at my office, testimonies from many people, especially my supervisor and colleagues, I was influenced to go to mission field. However, I thought, oh no,.. it mustn’t be anything for me. Me, being a missioner? No Way!

Yet, I prayed for this.
The more I prayed, the more I became more interested with missionary workers. When people shared about their experiences in the fields, I was always so excited. I wasn’t actually sure about this calling. God could use someone or some situations to convey ‘the message’, but I hadn’t received any direct messages from God, confirmation about it.

I’ve been praying for this, even the night before Kendall’s last session. The first night, when I prayed about the retreat, I also asked God, if it was possible, to confirm me and show me what I actually should do.