weirdo of the month

I felt something weird lately: when I sat behind my laptop, searched something in the internet or just chatted with some friends, I would definitely find out something wrong with my life or my appearances. Is it normal?

Let's say about my internship. I found two internship, one in Amersfoort, the Netherlands, and another in Jakarta, Indonesia. Both of them are working in Christian fields, which has been my wish and promise to God to work in a Christian field, use my talent to serve God. Good! But when I knew my friends, or just my classmates found another cool-internship, for example in BMW head office, or probably in famous food or ad company in Indonesia, I would be deadly jealous. I would then felt that I am such a loser, who could not find a qualified place but a non profit organisation and small company to work. How pathetic is that??

In the next few hours, I would then realise how good that I've found places to do my internship, how about they who haven't found yet?

Another thing that annoyed me is my appearances. I know that I am not 'that' pretty, but at least I am not ugly at all. I can dress myself, I know how to put basic make-up on my face, and I know basic things about girls, but when I saw my friends' pictures, know how pretty they are, or how different they are from me, I would, again, feel sorry about myself. I would consider myself as a fat, unattracted, and sloppy girl. Bad huh?

Even worst is when both two things above happened at the same time. I would think that I better just curl up and die.

In the end of the day, I would realise everything is a lie. I would know that I am maybe not perfect, but I have something, the beauty of the Lord that shine from my appearance. Maybe my works won't give me abundant income monthly, but they will praise God in their ways and God, himself, will use my works and me to tell other people about Christianity. Good huh?!

But, first thing I desperately WANT to do is to get away my 'weirdoity' at the first place. or is it almost my period? uh,....