depressed

I've been crying a lot lately

God is full of mystery. I could never figure out what He wants in my life.
A couple times ago, when I felt that my faith is so strong
I put my trust in Him
He seems fully controlling my life, throughout my day, every problems and happiness.
when I felt that faith so strong, now I easily lose it
I felt so distant
not because I am not trying to be close to Him

I still read bible everyday, I pray everyday
but I could not just understand what He wants

I lose one by one part of my life
first, I kindof lose my favorite room that I've got for a while
I love this house, though sometimes it's annoyed by roaches
second, my grandpa was so ill, I could cry for him
then, money problems, which every people problem, came up in my life
my family back home is still remain in 'unproper condition'

it's like the problems would not stop coming to my life
when I asked why
line of scriptures I've read came up to my brain
I just knew the answer, but
I could not resist the tempation to ask "God, what do you want in my life?"
I doubt Him

I cried, just now
but Jesus did as well
"He Wept" (John 11:35)

Lord, I believe You know what I need
You know every hair I have, and please teach me to surrender

In the name of Jesus
Amin