Thank You for Not Smoking

"I just don't want to be a widow in the age of 40. "

(SMS Nia to Stefy 28/sept/07 - Asking him to never smoke)

"I will because the longer I live, the more chances I have to love you."

(SMS Stefy to Nia 28/sept/07 - Assuring that he will never smoke)

I didn't know that my life is like a romantic drama sometimes :)

Quote of the day

"To achieve something you have never achieved before,
you must become someone you have never been before."

Jealousy - it's consuming

Receiving her e-mail this afternoon has made me even more furious. Not to her, not to God, but maybe to myself and the situation I am now.

There have been a lot of “I wish” and “Why” lately. Although I have every said that I never regret my decision to return to Indonesia last year; I, now, boldly admit that I do regret it, in someway.

But, what could I do? I didn’t have enough support to continue my study, nor did I have opportunity to earn a lot of money in an instant. What could I do?

God, please don’t punish me because I really don’t blame you for my situation. I know that You always have a rainbow after the storm; although I still have no clue when my storm would end.

Knowing that one of my friend flew to the Netherlands a couple of days ago, receiving scholarship, has boiled my inner being. I am jealous.

Receiving a message that another best friend has started her job and she found her job very enjoyable. I am sad.

I wish I had more money.
I wish I were rich.
Why were I born this way?

Yes, another ‘I wish’ and ‘why’.

There are other issues that have made me gnash my teeth. Ah, I will utter another ‘I wish’ and ‘Why’. And I don’t want to.

I realize that it is a great pleasure to be a winner, to have or do something that nobody else has or does. But, I cannot always be in that situation all the time. There will be time when I am a spectator or listener or supporting-actress. It is not easy for me, because, this jealousy has consumed me.

Or is it because I underestimate myself too much?
I know that I never see myself as a winner. I always think that I need to do something extra to be in a ‘certain’ position. Do I actually have to?

God, let not this jealousy consume me.

Being Tagged!

Dita has tagged me. Thus, this is what I was supposed to do

Rules :

• Each blogger must post these rules
• Each blogger starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves
• Bloggers that are tagged need to write on their own blog about their eight things and post these rules. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
• Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they've been tagged and to read your blog.

8 Habits:

1. Wake Up = open your eyes (wake up from you sleep) and close your eyes (to begin your day with a pray)
2. Always have a water bottle (or plastic container) in my bag, except when I go to the office. I have my pinky water container ready in the office.
3. When I watch DVD on my laptop, I always turn on the English sub-title.
   
4. When I am stressed out, I overreact (singing out loud, talking to myself)
5. I never order icy drink in the restaurant when I go for a meal.
6. One cup of coffee a day keeps my sleepy away :D
7. No day without fruit and veggies
8. The best reading position: lay down
   

People whom I want to tag are (sorry to give you sumtin to do!)
Ulmz
Iphien
Nasta
Putri
Ega
Nesya
Modjo
Fanni

D2D = Dare to Dream

There will always be a time for you and your dreams to come true. But the problem is could you wait till your times comes.

A dream is a wish you heart makes, when you fall asleep, said Michael Buble. But, is that it? Does dream stop when you wake up? Does dream disappear when you open your eyes? Can you dream any longer than 8 hours a day?

As it is said in the statement above, the answer is NO, dream doesn’t stop when you wake up and YES, you can dream a little bit or much longer than 8 hours a day, it depends.

The only problem is would you wait.

We often dream to be something or to have something in our lives; but we never see it coming. Some of us wonder, have I just been fantasizing? Have I dreamed something unrealistic? The others would claim that God is cruel, or even worse, God does not exist.

Some of us, who, thank God, think that they are not fantasizing, might sadly think that they are incapable to reach their dreams or to make their dreams come true. The others consider themselves unlucky, or in Indonesia, if you are unlucky for some times in a row, people would say that you are cursed.

Complicated.

But having your dream come true is more than being lucky, being free from any spells. It is not how you dream. It is not about choosing the right God, in fact there is only one God, and I know He is NOT at all cruel.

It is, first, what you dream. It is beyond realistic or not; but is it good or evil? If you dream to have lots of money by robbing a bank, I will guarantee you that you will never see it coming. If you do see it coming, you won’t be freed from punishment, both by law or yourself. However, if you dream to be a doctor or to study overseas, it is possible. It is just how you walk in your path to reach that dream. When there is a will, there is a way; and, in fact, everything is possible, in God.

Second, would you wait?
Making your dream come true is a little bit longer than 8-hours sleep. You need to put some efforts to reach your dream. When you have put some efforts, you still need to wait.

Why should I wait?
Hm,… maybe you are tested, are you serious with your dream? Let’s say you dream to study overseas. You wait for one year and it hasn’t yet come true. Don’t be disappointed. Maybe you are tested whether you really want to study overseas or it is just your pride.

Another reason is to make you realize that you are not the only actor in making your dream come true. You need other people and, in fact, you need God to handle your dreams. Maybe you dreamed to have your own company. But,, instead of asking some helps, you did everything by yourself. You ended up bankrupt or overloaded. Why don’t you try to ask some helps from some people in your surroundings? And of course, surrendering your burden to God will do good to yourself.

Finally, I believe that something worth having does not come easy. It takes time, but when you get it, you will be overjoyed and blessed. You won’t stop give thanks for what you have received.

So, be happy to wait.

A writer once wrote like this:
I always imagine that God gave us a checkbook and we could write any numbers in it, without any limitation (Wow, I wish!). Unfortunately, there are always two mistakes occur: first, the amount of money written in the checkbook is too small; second, there are many who grew tired whet they queued in front of the teller, in the bank, and they walked away and forgot about the checkbook (what a pity).

Thus, D2D, be patient, and let you dreams come true.

Press Conference: Don’t judge me by my cover

Forgiving is one case, but forgetting is another. It is always the case for me. I am a very forgiving person (sorry for acknowledging myself), I can easily say, “it’s okay. I forgive you;” but I can’t fully accomplish the forgiving process, because I cannot complete the hardiest part – forgetting.

Is my forgetting supply scarce?

I feel sorry for myself living in the limitation of forgiveness, but I always get upset when I remember certain things that happened in the past, that were caused by some people, whom accidentally I called ‘friends’. And, again, I fail to complete the forgiveness process.

Some people judged me for being too ‘holy’ (anyhow, no one is holy but God, right?). And I hate to be judged like that. They thought that I perceived them as the Gentiles and judged them for being too out-of-control. Anyway, are we now living in the ‘Paul and Barnabas’ era?

FYI only, I never see anyone that way. But, I think, I owe them an apology for making them felt that way. For those who feel that it is you whom I am talking about, I am sorry. I never see you as the ‘gentiles’ or the ‘bad guys’; I couldn’t get closed to you because I felt inferior. I felt there was nothing that I could do to become part of you. (it is up to you to believe)

Another issue that I would like to clarify is I am not a perverted, naïve girl that wanders to flirt with any guys. I am sorry for being too kind, if it was how you perceived me. I have learned from my past experiences. I did wrong. I was, too, kind in someway, to some people and, in result, they took it differently.

Fewh, now, I think we are equal, 1 – 1. I will now stop nagging about you being cruel and stabbing my back; and please stop talking about me. Let us now walk in our own paths and stop fussing each other’s business.

I don’t think that my forgetting jug is empty; I just need to get this business straight.

Please no more hatred between us.

Today's Quote

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love; but then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer, to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love; to be happy then is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy; therefore to be unhappy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down." (From the movie "Love and Death")

My Conclusion: Love is so complicated!

Work Vs Play

When I visited one radio station in Jakarta, the program director told me that their listeners are mostly young businessmen/business women aged 25 – 32 years old, whose motto is ‘work hard, play hard.’

The program director added that it is essential for young people in Jakarta to have such motto, because if they don’t have balanced life, between work and play (read: having fun), they would be swallowed by the hectic lifestyle that will leave them with nothing.

Make sense.

Everybody, especially Indonesian, knows how terrible, yet amusing, living in Jakarta is. Work, work, and work. Traffic jam, traffic jam, and another traffic jam. Rain, flood, rain, flood. All in one. You have everything, from urban ‘till rural lifestyle; from natural disaster till skyscrapers; from jet set till homeless people.

Although I am not living in Jakarta (thank God), people here (Surabaya) have pretty much similar lifestyle: workaholic, shopaholic, food addict, corrupt, etc,.. you name it!

Thus, I reckon, we, as Christian, should have a slightly different motto: work hard, pray hard.

I, as well as Golda, have been nagging about being too tired, sometimes overloaded. Yes, I have felt that. I felt like some other people have 30 hours a day, yet I just have 24 hours.

How is my normal day like? Wake up early, rush to work, have lunch behind my computer, go home late, tired, quick dinner, quick bath, and then it is already 12 o’clock, go to bed.

Sad, sad, sad.

I have felt so tired with that kind of lifestyle. I want to change. I want to be more relaxed. I want to have more time reading, cooking, or doing my other hobbies.

A couple of weeks ago, I discovered that I have passed so many quite times with God. I no longer had special time with my Creator more than 10 minutes a day. Terrible!

I was reminded again that He, the living God, is the one and only source of my life. He is the centre of my joy, my working life, my life.

Work hard, pray hard, would you?

Here goes another earthquake

Bengkulu September 2007 - feel sorry for them

My untold story, unposted letter

Dear Mrs X,

I am very sorry that I have been avoiding you these last few days. I will assure you that I don’t hate you at all. I still care about you, but I am just speechless.

Knowing that you are getting a divorced has shed my heart. I am really brokenhearted. Imagining you walking away from that door, holding your daughter’s hands and waved to your hubby, I cried a little.

I don’t know whether I should be happy for you or be grieved, because I really am speechless. One hand, I know that you have been burdened by lots of problems in your marriage; on the other hand, I adore your family. I have learned a lot from you. I ever dreamed to have such a happy family, like yours.

Thus, I really am brokenhearted.

But, you have chosen your way. And, I cannot support what you have done, because I think it ain’t right.

Where is your idealism? Where is your vow to love him no matter what, for better, for worse? Where is your vow in front of God?

And now you are with another guy? Should I trust you that you actually have a problem in your marriage?

I am not judging your life.
I am just grieving, looking for someone to blame.

I am sorry, but I will still avoid you for the next couple of days, or weeks, because I really don’t know what to say or do.

All the best,

Nia

Which one should I choose?

Java Jazz 7-9 March 2008

International Artists 2008 - Wishlist

Basia, Bill Evan, Bobby Caldwell, Candy Dulfer, Chico & The Gipsies, Chris Botti, Chucho Valdes, Corinne Bailey Ray, Dave Koz, David Sanborn, Ed Motta, Erykah Badu, Everette Harp with Michael Paulo Band, George Duke Band, Harvey Mason, Herbie Hancock, Ivan Lins, Jeff Kashiwa & Greg Karukas, Jeff Lorber, Jocelyn Brown with Bluey Maulnick (Incognito), Joe Sample & Randy Crawford, Johnny Thompson Singers (Gospel), John Legend, Josh Stone, Joyce & Ivan Lynne, Kiki Ebsen & Brian Simpson, Kirk Whalum & Family, Lalo Shefrin, Marcus Miller, Matt Bianco, Maysa, Najee, Noryn Aziz, Omar Sosa, Paul Jackson, Raoul Midon, Ray Parker, Richard Bona, Roberta Flack, Sara Gasrek, Step Ahead, The Manhattan Transfer, Tony Monaco, Vaughn Suponatime - Tribute to the Music of Frank Sinatra

Or,...

Jakarta Jazz 23 - 25 November 2007

International Artist - Wishlist

Matt Bianco, Gypsy King, Swing Out Sisters, Casiopea Reunion, Manhattan Transfer, Sade - Al Jarreau, Norah Jones, Chris Botti, Michael Frank, Michael Bubble, Joss Stone.

Reguler shows: Kyoto Jazz Massive, Pet Metheny, Bobby Caldwell, M-Pact, Poncho Sanchez, Mezzoforte, Incognito feat. MAYSA!!, Eldissa, SMOMA, Billy Cobham, Kyrsztof Scieranski, The New York Voices, Yellow Jackets, Drum Jungle, Akira Jimbo All Stars, T-Square, Igor Brill, Brooklyn Funk Essentials, Sheila E, Mindi Abair, Jack De Johnette, David Benoit, The Music of Marvin Gaye & Motown, and all-star jam featuring DJ Logic, Jason Miles, Ledisi, Greg Adams, Nick Colionne and very special guest Candy Dulfer! [tick!]The Bad Boys [Don Grusin, Bill Sharpe, Kazumi Watanabe, Tetsuro Sakurai, Masato Honda] [tick!]Soul Express-Jody Watley, Jeff Lorber, Chris Standring

Thank God, it wasn't me

And I praise the LORD for not watching myself in that movie.
God, I promise you, I won't be her.

"It is not worth it," as Stefy said in his car last night so my obsession is. I will no longer be wishing upon a star to meet or befriend with him. It is just not worth doing nor worth having.

Thank God, I am not her.

Anyway, two thumbs up for Rudi Sudjarwo, except his choice. How could you choose that Malaysian guy who can't even speak Indonesia perfectly? 8 for you, sir.

What If I do?

What if your life is portrayed in one photograph? Would you laugh and think it was silly or deny that it is actually a portrait of your life?

Ah, it is an easy one.
You would probably just deny it. No one knows, right? Or you can just laugh it out and walk away. No one notices, right?

But, how about if your life is put into a single movie? I am not talking about it-is-like-me or it-is-so-me movie; I am talking here about a movie that is portraying your life that has 90% accuracy. It is pretty accurate, isn’t it?

So, would you tell your friends and family that that movie is actually about you? Would you keep it secret? Would you say yes if someone knew that the movie is actually about you?

Tricky one.
Let’s go to a simpler question. Would you actually watch the movie?

I know I am afraid to, because I don’t know how my so-called-life-in-the-movie will end and I don’t know whether I want my real life end that way, too, and most importantly, I am scared if I will think that the ending in that movie seems better than what I think my real life would end.

Would I actually watch that movie? I actually am going to, today.