Jealousy - it's consuming
Receiving her e-mail this afternoon has made me even more furious. Not to her, not to God, but maybe to myself and the situation I am now.
There have been a lot of “I wish” and “Why” lately. Although I have every said that I never regret my decision to return to Indonesia last year; I, now, boldly admit that I do regret it, in someway.
But, what could I do? I didn’t have enough support to continue my study, nor did I have opportunity to earn a lot of money in an instant. What could I do?
God, please don’t punish me because I really don’t blame you for my situation. I know that You always have a rainbow after the storm; although I still have no clue when my storm would end.
Knowing that one of my friend flew to the Netherlands a couple of days ago, receiving scholarship, has boiled my inner being. I am jealous.
Receiving a message that another best friend has started her job and she found her job very enjoyable. I am sad.
I wish I had more money.
I wish I were rich.
Why were I born this way?
Yes, another ‘I wish’ and ‘why’.
There are other issues that have made me gnash my teeth. Ah, I will utter another ‘I wish’ and ‘Why’. And I don’t want to.
I realize that it is a great pleasure to be a winner, to have or do something that nobody else has or does. But, I cannot always be in that situation all the time. There will be time when I am a spectator or listener or supporting-actress. It is not easy for me, because, this jealousy has consumed me.
Or is it because I underestimate myself too much?
I know that I never see myself as a winner. I always think that I need to do something extra to be in a ‘certain’ position. Do I actually have to?
God, let not this jealousy consume me.
There have been a lot of “I wish” and “Why” lately. Although I have every said that I never regret my decision to return to Indonesia last year; I, now, boldly admit that I do regret it, in someway.
But, what could I do? I didn’t have enough support to continue my study, nor did I have opportunity to earn a lot of money in an instant. What could I do?
God, please don’t punish me because I really don’t blame you for my situation. I know that You always have a rainbow after the storm; although I still have no clue when my storm would end.
Knowing that one of my friend flew to the Netherlands a couple of days ago, receiving scholarship, has boiled my inner being. I am jealous.
Receiving a message that another best friend has started her job and she found her job very enjoyable. I am sad.
I wish I had more money.
I wish I were rich.
Why were I born this way?
Yes, another ‘I wish’ and ‘why’.
There are other issues that have made me gnash my teeth. Ah, I will utter another ‘I wish’ and ‘Why’. And I don’t want to.
I realize that it is a great pleasure to be a winner, to have or do something that nobody else has or does. But, I cannot always be in that situation all the time. There will be time when I am a spectator or listener or supporting-actress. It is not easy for me, because, this jealousy has consumed me.
Or is it because I underestimate myself too much?
I know that I never see myself as a winner. I always think that I need to do something extra to be in a ‘certain’ position. Do I actually have to?
God, let not this jealousy consume me.
posted by Oma Nia at
10:15 AM
5 Comments:
Hunny,
everybody has their own way. success is defined differently from one being to another.
dont worry. being jealous is human.
you'll get over it ;)
(and yes, i read the tag :p)
Nia..I have been to your current situation..but sometimes we are blind that we can't see that we actually have more than other's
Just keep on going... and u will realize how much He loves you!
I have to say that you are very inspiring girl..so don't underestimate yourself..!!
gosh, how funny it is that people are often jealous of my life, i am often jealous of your life, and you are now jealous of someone else's.
:)
nia, benchmark against yourself...not other people. benchmark against your own situations, capabilities, and goals.
other people are references, not standards.
well, it works for me to think that way sometimes :)
I agree, i think i was in PMS syndrome :( hehehe,..
but, yeah, indeed, success in different, but sometimes, when I see someone is more successful than I am, I m kind of jealous.
It is human, right?
Sepertinya kita sama-sama orang "Irian" deh... LOL...
Dalam situasi seperti ini, biasanya aku cuman bisa percaya Tuhan ngasih yang terbaik, meskipun ga keliatan baik untuk kita, dan ngerjain sebaik-baiknya apa yang dikasih ke kita.
Btw, aku juga pernah jealous sama nia yang bisa sekolah pinter di Belanda. heehee
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