Who is my neighbour?

As you have read my blog, for months, or probably some of you for years, you might still remember situation I have struggled with. It is the situation that has set me apart from the normal, student, life, from the real life abroad, and from some of my friends. It is the situation, which has ever sent me bed with empty stomach or with tears still falling down from my eyes. It is the situation that has set fire among me and my housemates. It is the situation that has turned me from a sensitive girl to a brave one and then to an extremely sensitive, worried girl.

As I promised in my post a couple months ago, I would stop moaning about my current situation, because, as Nebuchadnezzar, I know I have to go through this because of His wonderful reason: to know Him better and better. I thought it would be simple to just be home with my family and fight together with them. No,. a big NO!

Yet, my effort to comprehend my ‘new’ situation is not comparable to the happenings I see everyday: people who attempt to survive just another day.

I see an old man cycling his becak, late in the evening, just to feed his children.

I see a little girl, just about my little sister’s age, begged for some coins near the traffic light, while staring at my little sister who was eating some snacks.

I see a fat, old lady carrying a huge burden full of fruits and vegetables and walking in and out some streets.

I see some street children sitting in front of a school doing nothing. One of them was looking very sad; he was staring the school building. He might have thought “gosh, when would I ever go to school?”

I read on the newspaper that two babies were found dead in a trash can near a hospital. Oh, the mother(s) might have thought to keep the babies; yet the only money she had in her pocket would only able to buy a bottle of mineral water.

On the radio, I heard that two boys were brought to the nearest hospital because the local doctor suspected they suffer from bird flu.

As I sat next to Stefy while he was driving pass the hot mud location near Sidoarjo, I saw the villages were sinking. Where should the families live? How could the children go to school? The only thing that left was roof, hm,.. probably some orange roofs.

Thus, who is my neighbour?

Is it the one living next to my house who buys a new car every month and eating out every time he finds out that the food at home is not what he has expected?

Is it the one that her house is located just a couple blocks from my house that shops till she drops, not paying attention on any discounts, big sales or cheaper offer?

Is it the one that lives just on the opposite that celebrates the night with a glass of wine if he is unhappy and two jugs of Pina Colada if he is happy?

I believe I am a well-educated grown up that may know the best answer. If, so far, my neighbour is only located not further than my own house (thus, what I try to say is, that my neighbour is my family), I better to expand my point of view and turn my head to a further distance, for instance an old becak driver who parks his vehicle near my house.

Imagine me without YOU - Jaci Velasquez

As long as stars shine down from heaven
And the rivers run into the sea
Til the end of time forever
You’re the only love I’ll need

In my life you’re all that matters
In my eyes the only truth I see
When my hopes and dreams have shattered
You’re the one that’s there for me

When I found you I was blessed
And I will never leave you, I need you

Chorus:
Imagine me without you
I’d be lost and so confused
I wouldn’t last a day, I’d be afraid
Without you there to see me through

Imagine me without you
Lord, you know it’s just impossible
Because of you, it’s all brand new
My life is now worthwhile
I can’t imagine me without you

When you caught me I was falling
You’re love lifted me back on my feet
It was like you heard me calling
And you rush to set me free

When I found you I was blessed
And I will never leave you, I need you

-----------------------------

I fall in love with this song.
It, truly, represents my feeling and my thanksgiving.
Lord, I just can't imagine living without YOU.

An apology

This is more than just a blog-writing, or sharing,…

I shut my mouth.
There was hatred.
He had been doing this for quite a while; I’d had enough.

He was still laughing; he laughed out at me.
Okay, that’s fine!

I silenced.
I chose not to ignore him.

He still laughed at me.

“I cannot understand how you could still love her.”
“Salute for you!”

He still did not notice that I was very upset.
Finally.

“Come on! You are not angry, are you?”
“It was just a joke.”

But I have a heart.

***

I would like to send my apology to my dear friends, my ex housemates that have suffered from my bad habit, my worst habit: getting upset (alias “suka BT”). I knew that I was the most moody person in the whole house, probably the one and only person that has ever suffered from that kind of illness. I knew that I often locked myself in my room to calm down. Or probably, I would get upset by the time got home from work.

I realized that.
But what I didn’t know was that I made you, all, upset. I made you felt uncomfortable.

I thought by locking myself in a room would calm down myself. Sometimes it worked, but another time I would still feel horrible tough I had locked myself in my room while watching Scrubs for almost a day.

I thought by walking away and shutting my mouth would cure the pain and wouldn’t hurt anyone else. Yet, I bottled up everything and, once, it would explode.

The worst thing was I thought you, as my housemates, had been used to it; yet you did get annoyed by me. You probably ignored me; yet you probably couldn’t stand me any longer.
I, now, realize that my habit wouldn’t go just like a snap! I have to put some efforts to change it; I have to do something.

“We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” (2 Corinthians 10: 5)
I flashed back to the trip I made last year when I received this verse from a good friend of mine. Yes, I can do that! I have to take captive every thought, especially bad thoughts in my brain, and make it obedient to Christ. I am sure He didn’t want His children to think negatively or behave bad.

***

“I am sorry”
“I did not mean to hurt you. I really didn’t mean that.”

You shouldn’t be.
Because you have helped me to realize: this is time to be different, Nia!

Thank you for being extremely patient to me for years.
You comprehend me.
Yet, this is time you support me, thus, I can be a better person.

New Updates!

New updates in my Indonesian blog [click here]

Forever Jobless

For a person like me, it is so difficult to admit that I don’t have anything to do at this very moment. I am jobless! In the beginning, I was very positive to find a job right away. Yet, probably God has a different opinion and point of view.

I have been look for jobs in many places. I got accepted in some companies, but they just don’t fit me well. To fill my free times, I do talk to myself sometimes. I record one of my conversations.

Nia 1: Am I too picky?
Nia 2: I don’t know! I tried to be as open as possible, yet I haven’t found the right one.

Nia 1: You found two places. Don’t you think that one of those offers is actually the right one?
Nia 2: I am not sure. The first one was fun, working in a broadcasting company. Yet, the salary was too low and the place is too far away. Another one is in a university. It is not a growing university. Actually the position and job description are okay, but I don’t see a good future in this university. Besides, the accommodation is far too small and expansive, too. In general, I don’t like Jakarta either.

Nia 1: In some way I think you are too picky. I think the second option, in the university, is quite okay.
Nia 2: I know! I realize that, but every time I think about it, I don’t find peace in my heart. I worried about it. I prayed about it and I still found chaos in my heart. I think, God will place a peace in my heart if He also agrees to what I choose. Don’t you think?

Nia 1: Probably. He,.. is it not just a fear to be far away from home? Far away from Stefy, probably? Oh, you,.. don’t fool me with your excuses!
Nia 2: Hey, don’t get me wrong! I thought about it, but no,.. I have surrendered everything to God, even my relationship with Stefy which I assumed it would be vulnerable if I go to Jakarta. No, please, don’t think that I cling on to Stefy thus I won’t go.

Nia 1: Do you think that you are disobedient to God? Because you got accepted in two companies in Jakarta, and you refuse the offers. You said you don’t like Jakarta. I think, you just made up some excuses to make yourself look right and smart.
Nia 2: Oh my goodness! Yeah, I did think that I could probably disobey Him. I was so frightened that I acted like Jonah. He probably sent me to Jakarta but I “ran away” and chose to stay in Surabaya. If I kept running away from Him, from His will, he would soon dump me to the sea and be eaten by a huge fish (please not by an alligator).

Nia 1: Ah, yeah, probably I am too pushy, but how about the opportunities in Surabaya?
Nia 2: Right! There are some in Surabaya. I went to one interview in one of Newspaper Company. They liked me, but at this moment, they don’t have any openings. Thus, I had to wait until the end of this year.

Nia 1: My goodness! That’s too long, right?!
Nia 2: Yes, I think so, but you know, our time is not God’s time. Probably, God has prepared amazing things for me to do. Other opportunities are one in an international bank and in an international university. I would have interview sections with them soon.

Nia 1: Good luck! I am positive about these.
Nia 2: Yes, please do pray for me.

Yeah, I have many free times lately…. Thank God, I still have something to do. He knows too well that I am kind of person who doesn’t like being idle. I am too active sometimes.

I still manage some websites, take care of their contents, although sometimes I had to struggle with the internet connection. I still busy helping my friend and her magazine (www.curahanhati.nl). It is a great fun!

Next project is I would probably write a book together with Ms. Ulmie, but not sure yet! Please do pray for us!

Unposted letter

Dear Stefy,

It is foolish to write a letter while I can talk to you in live, face-to-face. Yet, I think it is because we have been on four years long-distance relationship. It is easier for me to type my feeling in a piece of paper.

I am sure you have heard this many times; you have realized it, too, I believe. I am so glad that I am able to meet you again, to meet you face-to-face. I cannot stop thanking God for this opportunity.

Yet, I thought it would be forever; I thought I would not be separated from you anymore. The fact is that it is probably that I am going away, again. Jakarta is not very far, yet it is indeed a distance that we should comprehend.

I, often, think that it is unfair for you, also for us that I leave you like this once again, that I seemingly put our relationship in a third or forth place in my life. If you ever think like this, no,.. I really am proud of our relationship, but on the other hand, I know that God is asking me to do something else. Once I have ever perceived God as a cruel being. Why ain’t it enough to examine our relationship?? Four years, separated from each other. Isn’t that more than enough? Then, you told me that He has a beautiful plan for us. I knew that, yet when you are in such situation, you just can’t think rationally anymore, can you?

You know what I am now most afraid of? I am scared to imagine that once, I hope it will NEVER happen, you wake up one night and you realize that our relationship ain’t gonna work out because of another distance we have to comprehend. I am so scared.

I confess, sometimes, when you are not on your mood or you are just too tired to joke around with me, I would be so petrified thinking that maybe you’d had that kind of night I mentioned above; you woke up the night before, or the afternoon, thinking that our relationship is just a dream to be realized.

Ah, I think I am just to dependant on my feeling, my strength and my ability. One hand, I know I can go through this, because we have been through 4 years LDR, and because we have such an amazing and loving GOD, but on the other hand, I am just too afraid that we have had it and now we would kind of tired of doing it again and again.

Do you think that I don’t rely on Him? Do you think that I am too self-centred?

I hate being so pathetic like this, but, have you ever imagined why things always happen not as how we had expected to happen? I love God and I know His sovereignty, but can I ever propose just one thing? Ah, I know He knows the best. Maybe you are right; maybe we just need to surrender everything, every single thing to Him.

Where would I be? I don’t know, but yeah,.. let us rely on something we know would never change, GOD.

In case you don’t know, I love you :P Thanks for supporting me and being a very great friend and brother to me. Please keep praying for me, please do, every night.

Blessings,
Nie'

Jesus had lunch

One afternoon, I had lunch with my friend. Out of nothing, she asked “You are Christian, right? why do you follow this Jesus?” “Why do you love Him like you do, especially when the world's turned away from His teachings and the people who serve Him are few?” He bombarded me with his questions. He added “look, you lately have Da Vinci Code book and movie that strongly opposed Christianity.”

I was surprised to hear his questions. He is not the talkative type of person. He is a truly melancholic; yet with his close friend, he can talk more. But, asking questions, like those kind of questions,.. ah it is strange!

I swallowed the food inside my mouth, while thinking, and answered, “It's not the rewards I'm after or gifts that I hope to receive. It's the Presence that calls for commitment. It's the Spirit I trust and believe.”

”The Lord doesn't shelter His faithful or spare them all suffering and pain. Like everyone else I have burdens and walk through my share of rain”.

”Yet He gives me a plan and a purpose and that joy only Christians have known.” I stared at him. I looked at him right into his eyes “I never know what comes tomorrow, but I do know I'm never alone.”

I was about to stop, yet suddenly I found the courage to say more words.

”It's the love always there when you need it;
It's the words that redeem and inspire,
It's the longing to ever be with Him
That burns in my heart like a fire.”

I was amazed to see him staring at me. I thought he must be bored by then; yet he didn’t. He still stared at me waiting for more explanations.

“So you ask why I love my Lord Jesus? Well, friend, that's so easy to see! But the one thing that fills me with wonder is why Jesus loves someone like me.”

He finished his ice coffee and moved towards me.
“Please, tell me more about this Jesus!”

(adapted from “You ask why I follow this Jesus”)

The Strength of the Lord

Sometimes life seems like words and music
that cannot quite become a song.

Neither is mine. It does not even make a rhyme.
I am wondering, sometimes, why my life doesn’t make any sense. It is too difficult, I found.
I just can’t sing my line.

So we cry and sigh, then we try again
and wonder what could go wrong?

I thought I had learned my lesson; I thought that there was enough to learn.
My life appeared differently.
Frightening was I sitting next to my bad, praying for safety, so that the next storm wouldn’t hit me.
Desperate was I begging Him not to toss me back and forth.

I stood up, yes I did.
I fell, once again, fell. Why Lord?

But when we turn to The Lord,
at the end of ourselves,
like we’ve done a time or two before
we find His truth is the same.
As it’s always been.

Has He ever sent me to bed with an empty stomach?
Has He ever put me under the rain in the middle of the night without any place to sleep?
Even with tears, I always ended my fully month with enough coins in my pocket and just sufficient supplies of food.
“I will be with you ‘till the end of the age,” He said to me and indeed He fulfilled His promise.

We never will need more
It’s not in trying but in trusting
Not in running but in resting
Not in wondering but in praying
that we find the strength of The Lord.

What an encouragement to hear that I just need to trust, to rest and to pray.
They ain’t difficult, are they?
I am done running, Lord, yes I am.
I give up trying, especially times when I did try by myself.
I wouldn’t keep on dreaming because it is hurting.

I stretch my arms, very wide, move my head to the left and right.
Fewh,.. relaxing.
I should have known this before.
I grab my bible, the Message version, and start reading Psalms.

“How great is our God!”

p.s. thanks, desi, for the text u gave!

Late ≠ Flexible

I looked to my clock once again, just to make sure that I was not late for my job interview. I looked into the mirror. Hm,.. my hair was too long. Ah, I would have my hair cut, soon! My skin was white, at least whiter than what I expected. Nia, don’t worry, you were just going for an interview.

My little sister was running around me, teasing me and asking me about anything. “Cicik Nia (Sister Nia), what is interview?” “What would they ask?” “How many people would be there?” “Will you be in a room or outside?” Ah, a six-years old girl, she is so sassy.

I stepped in to my car. Since I cannot drive (and hate driving), a driver sat behind the steering wheel. Two o’clock, sharp! Great. I am in time. I should actually leave around 2.15, and I left earlier. I was still following a Dutch manner when I go to a meeting. It was good, but…

I arrived at 2.50 and walked to the fifth floor. Yes, 2.55. I liked it. “Hello, good afternoon, I have a meeting with Ms. Sandra.” A young lady sat behind a glass wall looked at me, strangely. “Ms. Sandra went out with her guest. Have you made an appointment with her?” “Oh yes, but I am probably too early.” I realized that I am in Indonesia and I couldn’t expect people being on-time; I needed to be flexible.

I sat in the middle of the room, in the middle of two glass office rooms. I chose to sit on a blue, rolling, office chair. I was still smiling when the time was 3.15. Ah, probably she was on a traffic jam, I thought. However, when the time showed 3.30, I became frustrated. It is unacceptable, I claimed in my heart.

“Miss, can you probably contact Ms. Sandra’s mobile phone?” I approached that lady again. She said she would try. I hate waiting (anyone like waiting?).

I started thinking, this is unfair. When I was still a student, I couldn’t come late to school. If I came late, I had to either bring a letter from one of my parents or a doctor explaining why I came late; or ask one of my parents to bring me to school. If I came late, without any explanations, I had to be punished: to write 500 times “I promise I will not come late to school”, to sweep school’s floor, or to do an assignment.

Thus, this manner should actually stick in every people’s head. People know that being late is bad, I am sure about this! And now, where is it? Where are your manners you learned at school?

I reckon, it has been so long grown-up people left school that they forgot that being late is bad, very bad. FYI, I have had four job interviews of which only one interview was conducted on-time. The worse was the first one. The place was really in the middle of nowhere and I had to wait for ages. In the end, I had to wait for the so-called result of the interview, yet they decided to postpone it and would let me know via e-mail. Thus, I waited for the result for nothing. My goodness!!

People, why are you coming late?
People, why don’t you realize the worth of time?
I ain’t saying that time is money, but don’t you agree that time is worthy?
I appreciate flexibility, but being flexible isn’t equal being late.

My job interview was finally started at 3.50. Her excuse? Ah, no excuse, she was just late and she forgot to bring her mobile phone.

Only heaven knows.