Unexpected happiness (or grief)?
Grey's anatomy quote"We all think we’re going to be great and we feel a little bit robbed when our expectations aren’t met. But sometimes expectations sell us short. Sometimes the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected. You got to wonder why we cling to our expectations, because the expected is just what keeps us steady. Standing. Still, the expected’s just the beginning, the unexpected is what changes our lives"I had to stop for a moment to think on this quote. I, who was in the middle of researching about 'global warming', accidentally found a blog with this quote in it. I had to meditate these words: what are these words supposed to mean for me? Having your wish come true, getting a present you have been expecting, or receiving a reward you have been thinking of is a happy thing that can cheer up your life. But, how about if you are greeted by the unexpected? Will you pass by and keep on going? Will you run away? Or will you be discouraged and stop?Whatever you do (or have done), remember that these unexpected things coming to greet you are about to change your life, mostly in a good way. At least, this happens to me.
A Thin Transparent Line
"Love means loving the unlovable----or it is no virtue at all."
Chesterton, G.K.
I have learned, again and again, that there is a thin, transparent line between love and hatred. Having so much hatred at one time and then more love at another time is such a precious, peculiar moment; but it is real.
Again, I had to learn that 'to love is to forgive.' Now, I come to a conclusion that when you cannot give yourself a chance to forgive, you do not give the person you love, enough chance to love you.
So, Nia, Leave him or Love him?
Love him, I reckon :)
Can I still love you the way that I used to?
I declare today, Tuesday, July 17, 2007, is the hardest day ever. It is the day when I realize that to forgive is a choice.
Last night, I was so mad that I could actually light a menthol cigarette to calm me down. Good that it was just my imagination and I, in fact, never have any cigarettes at home.
The evening started like always. I went home from work, only, I had, then, to prepare for movie night with Stefy and some friends at the cinema. Another difference was I just had a little issue with Stefy the night before.
Long story short, in my opinion, Stefy acted weird that night. He talked with his upsetting tone. I was annoyed. The battle started from there. It got worse, because Stefy was totally in the wrong mood, so was I.
I sensed something. I realized that if I didn’t stop my anger and switch my mood, everything would be totally ruined. Thus, I did. I softened my heart, switched my tone, smiled a little and looked at him right in the eyes (although it was hard and I had to keep saying to myself, ‘calm down, nia’).
Thanks God, it was better.
During the movie, which was far from romantic because we watched Transformer, I meditated. I didn’t concentrate on the movie. I had a long, long conversation between the good and the bad Nia.
Here goes the conversation between Lovely Nia (LN) and Angry Nia (AN):
LN : Nia, be calm. He must have had a rough day.
AN : But, he hurt you. He said nasty things in the car. Would you just take it?
LN : Nia, He must have experienced a difficult issue, probably his work or his stocks.
AN : Ah, bullshit! He didn’t! He was laughing with Nita (his best friend who happens to be my little sister’s teacher)
LN : I am his girlfriend. He can be himself in front of me, but not in front of other people, even it is his best friend.
AN : But you are facing difficult issue, too. He didn’t know what happened to you before you both went to the cinema, did he?
LN : Try to be nice to him, Nia.
AN : No way, shout at him! Say that he always hurts you. Say that you don’t deserve to be treated this way! Shout!
LN : No, love your enemy, says Jesus. In fact, for my goodness sake, he is your boyfriend!
Yap, he is my boyfriend. I would love him in any situations, any mood, would I? I smiled and looked at him. “God, he must have had a difficult problem. I want to be there for him, to support him.” And I grabbed his hand, hold it in silence.
***
The movie ended. What I remembered was five robotic creatures appeared to fight one evil robot, called Megatron. Finally, a human creature pushed a cube into this Megatron’s chest. Blaaar!!
I and Stefy were walking in the parking lot, approaching his black Japanese car. Then, I asked, “what happen to you actually?” I guessed that it was his work or family that had made him so mad. He replied, “I will tell you the truth, but please don’t be mad.” I was perplexed. How can I be mad?
“I was not that mad in the beginning. I was just a little upset because you acted weird, but then, I had an idea to test you. You said that you wanted to change. You want to be stabler, be more patient. Thus, I wanted to know how you have changed by acting like I was really upset and having bad mood”
I was stunned.
“You have a terrible attitude, Nia. When you get mad, you will be angry and shout, especially to me. I don’t think we can live together like this. You can not have children and shout at them when you are in the wrong mood.”
I was still silent.
“You said this morning that you want to spend the rest of your life with me. I will also sometimes have a bad mood, a difficult time at work, and I would be upset. Thus, I tested you, because I want to see how you can handle your emotion and deal with me.”
“Are you mad at me? You always look things from the negative side. You have to see that this is a big achievement for you. I am really proud of you because you managed to calm down, not to blow up, and shout at me. Don’t see this as me doing you any wrong!”
I replied, “You hurt me. I am not a car you can test-drive anytime. I am human and I have feeling. You just played with my heart.”
He said, “you always put me in this position. You always think that I hurt you. I am not a villain. I try to help you. I have promised myself that I will, someday, be able to change your character, so that you can be more patient.”
I stepped out from his car and went home. I had a sleep, a peaceful one.
***
I am still perplexed.
This time, it is very hard to forgive him. It is not what he did to me – a test – but the way he had doubted me. What he said to me was so cruel that I assumed that he actually couldn’t love me the way I am.
I have to admit that I must choose to forgive him and love him, and, trust me! this is the most difficult decision, ever. Do you actually love me unconditionally?
Being YOU
It is not always easy to shout this word and really mean it, isn’t it? At least, it is not for me. Telling people, or even some in a relationship people, to stay the same and not being another person in his life or his relationship is one thing; but to live this life?
I am not 100% sure whether I am being myself.
For me, being someone else, or at least, being a person whom other people expect, was easier and better. You please other people. You make them happy. How bad can it be? Nothing harm, right?
I had been a very smiley person - never got angry. Some people had even mentioned that I was the sweetest girl he had ever met in his entire life. When there was a conflict, for instance in my project group, I would stand up, not to help solving the conflict; I would stand up and admit that it should actually be my fault. End of story. It was easier, and, in my opinion, it was a win-win solution.
(Up till now, actually. I would say 'sorry' easily just because it is easier to admit that the fault is mine and to help solving the problem.) -->> it is totally wrong, Nia.
If I could give this world to someone needy, I gave it. I would even wrap it in paper with nice bow. *grinning* When I was just a little girl (what a song,…), I was the sweetest girl in my elementary school. I was so nice that my mom always got upset every time she found out that one of my stuff is gone *laughing*. From pen till cookies, new collected stickers to bracelet, anything you ask, I would give. If one of my friends said, “I like your pen, where did you buy it?” I would reply, “you like it? You can have it. Here it is!”
And I still have other stories that would probably make you laugh, but that is not the point.
Today, I will share that, for me, it had been very easy to please people and not to think of myself. I cared of other peoples’ feeling more than I cared of mine.
And, I tell you the truth, I am getting sick and tired right now,…
Being yourself is not just letting other people know who you really are, but it is also accepting who you really are. What other people think is not as important as what you, yourself, think of you, think of who you actually are.
Being yourself is working and living within your limit. If you can’t do it or if you don’t have it, you admit it and, accept!
Being yourself is more than pleasing other people. It is to give yourself a great pleasure, it is treating yourself.
And more important, being yourself is your thanksgiving to your Creator. It is like saying, “God, thank you for creating me. I am special!”
I love you, darling, but...
Last night, before I went to sleep, I was online for a while. Check this, check that. Open this, open that, and I arrived at my new friend’s blog, Nasta’s.
A quick details about Nasta: I met her during the Sunsilk ‘Dare to Shine’ training at Hard Rock FM. She is the Good Morning Hard Rocker producer. I became quite close to her because she accompanied and trained me when I did ‘Dare to Shine’ party live reporting.
In her blog, I found this unique image, saying ‘Don’t say ‘I LOVE YOU’ if you STILL HURT ME.’
I called up some experiences that I have heard from some friends, or from someone, who happened to know someone, who had rough love experience.
I know someone who had been cheated by her boyfriend for a couple of times, but she had chosen to stay with him no matter what. Her (now ex-) boyfriend left her when he found someone more attractive and came back to her when he was bored with his new attractive girl. This girl had chosen to stay with him for almost three years. Thank God, she finally realized that it was not worth it! Not at all!
I had a close friend whom her aunt was married to a wrong guy. This guy, who was very gentle and charming in the beginning, turned out to be a beast. He beat her when she wronged. He even pushed her to work in his farm when she was pregnant. However, he kept saying that he loved her. However, she couldn’t bear it anymore, thus she ran away. Up till now, she is still hiding from this wicked husband.
Some relatives were deeply in love with her spouses, no matter what. I heard that one of my relatives found out that her husband had a (younger) girlfriend, who, like always, was his secretary. Another relative caught her husband making love with their neighbor. And, both of them are still staying with their spouses.
I don’t understand. Why would they?
After a long thought and reflection, I came to a conclusion that everyone deserves a second chance. We make mistake, we sin, but when we confess and then, repent, we have this second chance. For those who have chosen to leave his or her spouses, for some serious reasons, I respect and admire you. It is not easy to make that decision. Two prior characters that I mentioned above chose to leave their partners because they had given not only a second chance, but more then five or six chances; yet their partners remained evil.
For the latter characters, they chose to stay with their partners, because, first, the partner deserved a second chance (and he did finally change). Second, because, as it is written in the Bible, she didn’t want to divorce his husband. Thus, she tried to work it out. What I heard, this relative of mine went to her hairdresser, having a new hair cut. She bought new trendy clothes. She learned to cook and prepared her spouse’s favorite food.
The third condition, which is the worst, is when both the wife and the husband didn’t care about each other anymore. They lived their own lives; yet they did get divorced.
Now, let’s look to our own experience, our own life path, have we hurt someone we said we love? Have we been given a second chance; yet we remain wicked? Or have we chosen to not mind each other’s business anymore?
Peepz, love him or leave him. (also applies to ‘her’)
'Sunsilk Dare to Shine' - ON'dNewZ
Dare to Shine - 'Bling-bling'
Finally, I went.from June 24th till July, 1st. *just returned*
Negotiating was a must for me to attend this event, because there were some issues that I didn't expect to happen, for instance the one with Stefy. Although the process was tough, we could solver the problem, and I went. On the other hand, negotiating went very smooth with my boss and my HRD manager. My company gave me a permission to go. My boss, even, wrote a SMS for me, saying "Cool, Nia. I am proud to have you in my team." I was very flattered, because what I did was out of the company's big picture as an Internet Service Provider.So, this was me, going bling-bling!
and this was me with other radio announcer internee
Labels: Event, MyLife
