Can I still love you the way that I used to?

I declare today, Tuesday, July 17, 2007, is the hardest day ever. It is the day when I realize that to forgive is a choice.

Last night, I was so mad that I could actually light a menthol cigarette to calm me down. Good that it was just my imagination and I, in fact, never have any cigarettes at home.

The evening started like always. I went home from work, only, I had, then, to prepare for movie night with Stefy and some friends at the cinema. Another difference was I just had a little issue with Stefy the night before.

Long story short, in my opinion, Stefy acted weird that night. He talked with his upsetting tone. I was annoyed. The battle started from there. It got worse, because Stefy was totally in the wrong mood, so was I.

I sensed something. I realized that if I didn’t stop my anger and switch my mood, everything would be totally ruined. Thus, I did. I softened my heart, switched my tone, smiled a little and looked at him right in the eyes (although it was hard and I had to keep saying to myself, ‘calm down, nia’).

Thanks God, it was better.

During the movie, which was far from romantic because we watched Transformer, I meditated. I didn’t concentrate on the movie. I had a long, long conversation between the good and the bad Nia.

Here goes the conversation between Lovely Nia (LN) and Angry Nia (AN):

LN : Nia, be calm. He must have had a rough day.
AN : But, he hurt you. He said nasty things in the car. Would you just take it?
LN : Nia, He must have experienced a difficult issue, probably his work or his stocks.
AN : Ah, bullshit! He didn’t! He was laughing with Nita (his best friend who happens to be my little sister’s teacher)
LN : I am his girlfriend. He can be himself in front of me, but not in front of other people, even it is his best friend.
AN : But you are facing difficult issue, too. He didn’t know what happened to you before you both went to the cinema, did he?
LN : Try to be nice to him, Nia.
AN : No way, shout at him! Say that he always hurts you. Say that you don’t deserve to be treated this way! Shout!
LN : No, love your enemy, says Jesus. In fact, for my goodness sake, he is your boyfriend!

Yap, he is my boyfriend. I would love him in any situations, any mood, would I? I smiled and looked at him. “God, he must have had a difficult problem. I want to be there for him, to support him.” And I grabbed his hand, hold it in silence.

***

The movie ended. What I remembered was five robotic creatures appeared to fight one evil robot, called Megatron. Finally, a human creature pushed a cube into this Megatron’s chest. Blaaar!!

I and Stefy were walking in the parking lot, approaching his black Japanese car. Then, I asked, “what happen to you actually?” I guessed that it was his work or family that had made him so mad. He replied, “I will tell you the truth, but please don’t be mad.” I was perplexed. How can I be mad?

“I was not that mad in the beginning. I was just a little upset because you acted weird, but then, I had an idea to test you. You said that you wanted to change. You want to be stabler, be more patient. Thus, I wanted to know how you have changed by acting like I was really upset and having bad mood”

I was stunned.

“You have a terrible attitude, Nia. When you get mad, you will be angry and shout, especially to me. I don’t think we can live together like this. You can not have children and shout at them when you are in the wrong mood.”

I was still silent.

“You said this morning that you want to spend the rest of your life with me. I will also sometimes have a bad mood, a difficult time at work, and I would be upset. Thus, I tested you, because I want to see how you can handle your emotion and deal with me.”

“Are you mad at me? You always look things from the negative side. You have to see that this is a big achievement for you. I am really proud of you because you managed to calm down, not to blow up, and shout at me. Don’t see this as me doing you any wrong!”

I replied, “You hurt me. I am not a car you can test-drive anytime. I am human and I have feeling. You just played with my heart.”

He said, “you always put me in this position. You always think that I hurt you. I am not a villain. I try to help you. I have promised myself that I will, someday, be able to change your character, so that you can be more patient.”

I stepped out from his car and went home. I had a sleep, a peaceful one.

***

I am still perplexed.

This time, it is very hard to forgive him. It is not what he did to me – a test – but the way he had doubted me. What he said to me was so cruel that I assumed that he actually couldn’t love me the way I am.

I have to admit that I must choose to forgive him and love him, and, trust me! this is the most difficult decision, ever.

Do you actually love me unconditionally?