Single fighter

I was very encouraged to write some articles regarding what God has taught me in these last few weeks. Yet, the power of ‘the vigorous’ is kindof controlling me. I was very discouraged in the end.

I went home from school knowing that one of my roommates, (Let’s name him Jaap), said that he has to meet his relative, thus he wouldn’t be able to attend our bible study tonight. I was very very disappointed, which result into being discouraged, and in the end into being demotivated.

I was not angry because he couldn’t attend the bible study, yet I was disappointed because he didn’t meet the agreement: every Monday is Bible study night. He made an appointment with his relative on Monday. I didn’t want to be too strict for this sort of thing, but I felt that other people are not very into it; they think Bible study night is something secondary, something unimportant. I felt that I am doing this on my own (no Nia, you do it with Jesus).

Yes, I know I do this with Him and for Him, too. It is all about Him, about His glory. Yet, I was very disappointed. I suddenly felt that there is no point of doing this Bible study if I am the only one who is enthusiast about it.

When I talked with Jaap about this, and tried to arrange another day in this week to do the Bible study, he was saying like this “oh,.. no,.no.. don’t worry. Just do the Bible study today. Just do it without me. No one can make it beside today. No one is available another day in this week.” Correct me if I am wrong, but I heard unwillingness in this statement.

Thus, I was very sad. (and still sad)

Ah,.. why should we still meet every Monday if no one wants it anymore? Why should I become angry if no one feels annoyed by it? Why should I still so passionate to organize this Bible study if no one thinks it is important? And many whys are now hanging on my mind.

I know that at this very moment, evils featuring Lucifer are dancing in the moonlight with “we are the champion” song as a soundtrack; they are happy that they have won to demotivate me, to stop the meeting.

Ah, Lord, you are Almighty God. Show me the way,…

p.s. my dear roommates, sorry if I misunderstood the ‘signs’ yet this is what I feel. Thanks for you whom are still interested and enthusiast about doing a Bible Study. Let us support each other. I am demotivated now!

Short article – Forever prayer

Lately, I have been discouraged to pray.
Why?
Because I have seen no results of my prayer.

I pray to God, which is invisible. I do not get His answer immediately, like if you talk on the phone. It makes everything even more complicated. I imagine when I am on the phone with a friend, and then I share something to her. It is very nice because she replies and responds to my story. It is funny when I call my parents back home, or call Bang Tepy. Sometimes I keep on talking and then I realize that I don’t get any replies. I will shout “Hallo,.. hallo,.. anybody there?”

It is annoying, isn’t it, when you keep talking without any responses.

Thus, it is difficult, sometimes, to pray to God, because He doesn’t respond immediately. I wouldn’t hear His voice shouting calmly from Heaven “Nia, do not worry.”

I faced difficulty lately to pray because, first, I felt that God was not answering; he probably even didn’t hear my prayers. Second, I was very tired of praying. If I sum up all of my prayers concerning my situations (and my family’s), in my opinion, it will be like hundreds or thousands of prayers – with no answers. I was very tired of praying the same prayer, like you sing the same song.

In my deepest moment, I have ever felt that God has forsaken me, forsaken my family. A couple days ago, when I accidentally watched ‘Sex and the City’ during my dinner alone, I heard a guy saying “probably, God has forgotten our address”. That was exactly what I felt! I felt that God might forget me,.. forget my family.

This story was about last week. I think, God has comforted me in such a way that became calmer and tried to surrender my burden.

And,..
This morning,…

I went to church.

The sermon was about analyzing the Lord’s prayer, and this morning we studied “..on earth, as it is in Heaven.”. We tried to answer what that sentence supposed to mean.

I will share about it another time, but, one thing I want to share is when Gerard Kelly, my pastor, shouted, “How long do you still need to pray? How long should you pray? You pray until it is done, until it is finished, until God answers your prayer! So we don’t just give up!” He linked this to Jacob, when he asked God’s blessing “Like Jacob, he said that he would not let go until God blessed him. Now, you can also say I will not let go until it is done!”

Yes, here it is.
It is a new spirit for me. It is like God has poured a new energy, a new spirit of praying.

I will end this article with an encouragement, to you, all of you. I know it is difficult, to keep on praying, pleading, and asking to God. Yet, we know, God exists. Jesus said, if you ask something in father’s name, it will be given to you. So,.. we know, if we pray, He will give something we pray, to us, in His time.

Thus,..
Just keep on praying. It may take an hour, a week, a month, a year, a decade, or even longer, but just trust in His unfailing love, in His promise.

Tired of praying?
Remember that if we pray, keep on praying, we will receive what we ask. If you have prayed, and become tired,… don’t! We have run half-way through,.. we are running towards the finish-line. If you stop praying, it means you quit from the game. Once again, keep on praying, the finish-line is in front of us.

2002-2006

I went to my friend's blog, Ega
and I just found out that he has officially joined the Long-distance club.

Welcome, bro! :)

It made me think to the year 2002, when the struggles started.
Fight by fight,..
arguments,..
nonsense talking,..
nonsense fears,..
useless tears
and finally the real separation.

I really thank God for what we have now. I just know it that it is not my ability. It is not our strength to keep this relationship; yet His grace.

If I looked back to these years, I found many silly things.

1st year:
- Fighting about not replying e-mails
- Sending SMS (or not replying SMS)
- Miscommunication
- Jealousy
- Love temptation (ups,..)

It was very difficult in my first year, yet it had been very fruitful. We passed the first year, and as a present God granted us a moment to meet. Bang Tepy came over here :) Nice!!

2nd year:
- Fighting about our principles (Stef, remember? the 'swimming' moment)
- Miscommunication
- Unresolved conflict (Ups,.. am I now doing my 'managing conflict' assignement? :p)
- (still) Jealousy
- (Another) third-part intervention alias love temptations


It was still difficult, especially it was because we met each other and then separated again. We were getting older, too; we became mature. In the end of 2003, we had to decide a break. Yeah,.. a break,.. it was tough. Thankfully, in 2004, God was, again, very gracious. I went back to Indonesia because of my grandpa's health. I met him.

2nd year Indonesia:
- I surprised him. I didn't tell him that I was going home. He was VERY surprised.
- We just needed 30 minutes to talk out our problems,... all the hidden problems.
- We were together again.
- He gave me a ring (huhuhuh,,...ladies and gentlemen, it was NOT an engangement ring!!!)

God is so great! He provided everything just in HIS right time.

3rd year:
- Bang Tepy played TOO MUCH billiard (or snooker or whatever).
- I was too busy with my internships

Communication, which was the main problem in the first two-years, was solved. We didn't have a constant phone, sms, e-mails, or chats; yet, we communicate to each other in our way. We were okay with the limited time we have to talk to each other. I was very happy :)

3rd year - summer break, Indonesia:
God gave me again an opportunity to go back home. It had been great to educate my faith in HIM. In the end, it was great for our relationship as well. Why?
- I learned that I have to depend on GOD instead of Bang Tepy, especially regarding my future (I was used to think like this "Hm,.. I want to work in Sumatera island,.. but what would Stefy do? Where would he want to work?", instead of asking God's will, God's opinion on my future)
- We learned to discuss spiritual things to each other to help us grow in Christ.
- We made a progress in our quite time.
- Since then, we have been praying for each other.

It was very cool! God is amazing.

4th year:
So far we have not really had a 'big' thing, but I like my relationship very much. We have been talking a lot about God, faith and our future. I can discuss about my doubt in God, my problem in praying, and other stuffs with Him. I also see that my prayer has been answered by God. Bang Tepy is not quite active with his church. he has been leading a bible study team a couple times. I am also growing, too. I have another church. I do some ministries.

God is so great...

What happen next?
I do not know, yet I believe He will give His best for us.
There are several things that might happen this 2006:
- I am done with my study, which means I am going back for good.
- Bang Tepy might COME TO THE NETHERLANDS to visit me and attend my graduation (Oh,.. God, please let this happen,..pray for me too, okay, friends :) )
- I might apply for Master degree in Australia.
- Bang Tepy will also graduate in the end of this year.

Lord, lead us Your way
and thank You for everything
Amin

Stefy, if it happens you read this post, I want to present this song to you

(bacanya sambil bayangin aku pegang mikropon,
nyanyi a la IDOLS,
dengan penuh penghayatan)

"Selamat tinggal kasih
sampai kita jumpa lagi
Aku pergi...Takkan lama..
Hanya sekejap saja ku akan kembali lagi
Asalkan engkau tetap menanti"
(Ello)


It might be cheesy, yet I like it. It fits,.. hehe cool huh?!

(!! For Ega, be faithful, bro! I kno you can do it. "percayalah kepada Tuhan, dengan segenap hatimu dan jangan bersandar kepada pengertianmu sendiri. JalanNya penuh damai sejahtera senantiasa."!!)

Another sleepless nite

Here I am, finally, going to sleep

I think now the audience has to applaud because I actually will sleep. Okay, probably I intend to,.. and hope to.

(Audience applauds,......"applause" plok plok plok!)

Probably before I hug my lovely cushion, turn off the light and sleep, I want to thank God for several things:

1. Encouragement He has given these last couple of days. He has been very patient and supportive. Thank you, my Daddy!
2. The lessons about prayer that I have received from my bible studies and sermons.
3. For Nita in Surabaya who has succesfully finished her dissertation.
4. For a nice encouragement from my mom.
5. For being able to eat properly, although I accidentally skipped some meals bcoz I totally forgot to eat, (Bad, huh?!) which affect on my stomach (maag).
6. Finish sending out a lot of letters to companies, for my dissertation. -> this morning
7. Company that finally called me to discuss our (me and ulma) dissertation. It is Indian company. I hope it will be something. -> this afternoon
8. Bang Tepy that now has a webcam, thus we have been having a romantic chat in Yahoo Messenger lately. heheheh :P (I think you better consider the word 'romantic' less serious, because if you knew how we describe romantic,..i think you would have another thought :P )
9. Being able to discuss spiritual stuff with Bang Tepy. God uses him to wake me up from my spiritual sleep....
10. For Ega, he has helped me with printing stuff
10. For being awake although I haven't really slept for a while.

I think I can make more points, but let me now end, because otherwise I will keep writing.

Thank's Lord!

p.s. Friends, if you can pray for my project due to Monday, it will be TOPPY :P (For DiesCom peepz, I pray for us!!)

As I enter this new year

I have been searching for a thing that I want to carry through this new year. I have found a lot of things that God has spoken to me lately, however I still searched for a special phrase, or subject that I will always remember through this year.

Flashback to a week a go when I decided to stayed in my lovely bed rather went to church. I was so tired. I had a very busy week, almost everyday working and on New Years eve, I think, I had too much food and champange. eheheh :) Or probably I played card till morning that made me feel very awful the day after. Anyway,.. I didn't go to church.

I felt very guilty, because I actually wanted to start my new year with God.

Thus, today,. to pay my guilt (heheh,..), I listen to the last week sermon through the Crossroads site (www.xrds.nl). In the end of the cermon, I got struck by this remarkable poet.

….
Father
In all our travelling
MAY YOUR FOOTSTEPS GUIDE US

In our journeying to work and returning
MAY YOUR FOOTSTEPS GUIDE US

Within our homes and families
MAY YOUR FOOTSTEPS GUIDE US

In our leisure time together
MAY YOUR FOOTSTEPS GUIDE US

In difficult situations and conflict
MAY YOUR FOOTSTEPS GUIDE US

As we stumble on the way
MAY YOUR FOOTSTEPS GUIDE US

In the travelling of our faith
MAY YOUR FOOTSTEPS GUIDE US

As we place out trust in you
MAY YOUR FOOTSTEPS GUIDE US

In all our travelling, Lord
May it be your footsteps in which we place our feet
AMEN
...

Wow!
yes, that's what I want!
I want that His footsteps guide me through this year and I will be obedience to Him.
I have been through such a difficult time last year..
I don't know whether this year will be easy, nice and smooth
or this year means another hard-working, tears, and lessons of obedience.
What I know,
God, my father will never refuse to give His best to me.

Read Psalm 37:25, which says that children of rightheousness will not beg for bread. I know I will lack of nothing. He provides.

So, this is my prayer,...

Lord,
What I want for next year is a year
which is not only a repetition of last year
which is not a year of hectic life without meaning
nor a year without making a difference or being different.

Lord,
I want you desire..
Let Your will be done in me


Our walk with God is never a lonely walk
For he walks with us on a track that leads to a glorious destination

I am on diet!

Losing weight, healthy diet, sport,…
I think these are things that people put in their New Year resolution. What about me? I have started my diet even before the New Year began.

If you think that I am now talking about diet as eating less to lose weight, you are wrong, peepz! I am talking about cutting my sleeping time, which is actually not ideal to be included in the New Year resolution.

I am very stressed out, lately. Daniel, again, said something remarkable that stayed in my brain last week. (Thanks, Dan!)

“Nia, you should relax a bit. Don’t be too stressed out. It is our last year. We should enjoy our time. Next year you are in Indonesia, you will be sorry if you have a bad, stressful, last year in the Netherlands.”

I had been thinking about his opinion. I, kindof, agreed with him.

The reason I am stressing out is no longer to be the best. I don’t know whether my ‘sickness’ was cured or actually I have another sickness. I want to finish my study as soon as possible. Why? To get married? Hahah,.. you are wrong again! Golda and Anita have planned the first, special ‘reunion’ in 2007.

Anyway, seriously, the rationale (ups,.. I am talking in research-language) is I want to go back home immediately. Secondly, I don’t want to waste my (parents) money by doing useless things in the Netherlands.

I think it is a good motivation, to finish as soon as possible. (Even though I joked, yesterday, with Ardy that my only motivation is getting married. Ardy wished that he could be motivated if he had the same motivation, hehehe!) However, what bad is that I became frightened.

Every night, when I wanted to go to bed earlier, I would thing “Oh,.. it is too early. I can still study, or do my assignment, or read a book.” Basically, I am very afraid to sleep. I find sleeping is a useless activity. Crazy, huh?!

Oh my goodness,.. I am obsessed!

Sometimes I just want to stop, go back home for a year and continue my study next year. Yeah,.. it is another waste of money. But what I need now is a long, nice, peace vacation, to rest my mind.

Last night, something crazy happened. In the middle of my before-going-to-bed prayer, I cried, while I was confessing “God, I am too tired, I couldn’t take it anymore.” What interesting is I surrendered my entire burden to Him, my obsession. I went to bed peacefully. When I woke up this morning, I prayed. I felt something different. Even more interesting, before I opened my Intellectual Capital book, I prayed, without realizing it. Suddenly, I realized,.. Yeah,.. it is actually what I have to do every time before I study. Praying!

Will I still do my diet? Hm,.. I think I will stop. I will go to bed earlier tonight. How about another diet? The real losing weight diet? Heheh,.. I don’t know,.. food is too delicious to be left out, isn't it?