Nijmegen 1-3 October 2004 (part 1)

Blessing in the hardship

Jeugd Weekend
I remember first person who asked me to go to this weekend is, not Michael Tan, as he always does to especially newcomers, but Hilbert, the keyboardist. At that time, I answered that I didn’t have any money. It was true.

Until Michael Tan, personally, asked me to go to the retreat. I was confused at that time, and then Malvin, my Indonesian friend wanted me to accompany him to go to the retreat, because in fact he was the only foreigner who couldn’t speak Dutch properly. He didn’t want to be the clown of the retreat so he invited another one. I accepted his invitation. I did actually want to go to be familiar with J-N-C. I have been to GKPB Air Hidup for almost 2 years and I didn’t even have 3 close friends here. Sad, isn’t it?

In the end, many things happened. My grandpa was really ill and I had to go back to Indonesia as soon as possible. He got cancer, which was a nightmare for everyone. I got back and I still had chance to talk to him, for at least two days. Unfortunately he didn’t make it; he passed away. I was really sad. I haven’t met him for two years, and then he is gone. However, I still felt happy, because I could still meet my parents, family and friends. I’d missed them so much, since I’d not been back for two years.

Shortly, I went back to the Netherlands with a lot of things going on my mind, as well as a lot of things to do. I needed to catch up with my study and to start my internship as soon as possible; I needed to return to my part-time job because I was really poor. I had spent most of my savings that I earned from my summer job, to pay the ticket to Indonesia. Even worse, I couldn’t even pay my rent that month, but thanks God, in the end He provided for me.

Therefore, a week before the retreat started, I came to Michael Tan, and said that I couldn’t go. I really couldn’t. Even if I could, I wouldn’t spend money for something ‘unnecessary’ and couldn’t eat properly for a week. He was, at my opinion, a bit mad actually, but he offered me to go without paying, unless I seriously didn’t want to go. As a cat in Sherk 2, I gave gloomy look and nodded.

I did actually want to go. I had to introduce myself to everybody, since I was anonymous for almost two years. I only went to Sunday service, and never had been involved with any of the activities for the youth. Thus, at this time, I really to befriend with new people, though I was a bit scary because my Dutch was not that good.

I am actually a person that always first thinks of prestige, oh yes I am. Therefore, I did pay the cost by myself, although in result I sacrificed a lot of things, but once again, God provides.

I went there with expectation to know people better, apart from the whole sections of the retreat. In contrast, this expectation put me off. I talked with a lot of people, but I just felt that I didn’t belong there; I felt neglected. I reckon it was my Dutch, which wasn’t fluent yet. I cried out to God that night, my first night (I didn’t know whether my roommates noticed this or not). I prayed “God, I know You have plans in my life. I know that You didn’t put me here for nothing. I know that it wasn’t just a recreation for me, but in this church You want me to do something.” I added my personal prayer, about what God has spoken to me lately that I have been praying lately.

Second day, first challenge
The next days, it seemed nothing changes. I still felt distant, even with my group members. They were indeed nice, but I just couldn’t jump over the line to really speak to them. I reckon it was me being introvert. Yet, I was so excited and happy when we were brainstorming for last day performance about Love. We had to perform something about ‘patience’. I think it was the best moment in my group.

Until the night came, it was the last session of Mr. Candelle. He preached about how we apply God’s love through our lives, continuing the first part about how to feel God’s love. I didn’t expect anything, really. However, God’s good, and He is the best!

He answered my prayer (oh, I cry again!)
I’ve been asking about His calling to me. When I was in England, God really drag me to Him. I joined Christian Union and got involved with mission week, in which I needed to encounter people and say something about Christianity. I went to SEEC (South East Eastern Conference) in Reading, London, where God spoke to me that He wanted to use me. However, at that time, I thought that God wanted to use me with my talents: designing, arts and photography. Yet, He confirmed me that He specifically wanted to use me, so that He wanted me to go to Bible College. He’s been speaking that message ever since I was in England. Once, I was so sure to enroll to a bible college that I would stop with my study and apply to a bible college. God was always on time. He told me to postpone it; He wanted me to finish my study first.

God’s been still speaking to me ever since. Lately, it became more obvious. Since I’d started my internship in Missionary organization (OZG-OMF) in Terschuur, near Amersfoort, God’s told me a lot of things. Through many situations at my office, testimonies from many people, especially my supervisor and colleagues, I was influenced to go to mission field. However, I thought, oh no,.. it mustn’t be anything for me. Me, being a missioner? No Way!

Yet, I prayed for this.
The more I prayed, the more I became more interested with missionary workers. When people shared about their experiences in the fields, I was always so excited. I wasn’t actually sure about this calling. God could use someone or some situations to convey ‘the message’, but I hadn’t received any direct messages from God, confirmation about it.

I’ve been praying for this, even the night before Kendall’s last session. The first night, when I prayed about the retreat, I also asked God, if it was possible, to confirm me and show me what I actually should do.