If love has to choose. It is quite romantic title, isn’t it? A couple days ago, I had chat with a good, new friend of mine in Jogjakarta, on the phone. I told her that I am not that romantic type of person (and neither is Stefy). She was quite surprised because my writing, my blog pictures me as a romantic type of person.
I just went back from Aceh and I don’t think I would ever get rest from thinking. I am not sure whether it is me who is too workaholic, both in thinking and working; or is it that I have endless problems.
I surprised Stefy with my earlier arrival. I thought he would be very happy; yet he was ‘okay’. I thought he would embrace me with his laughter and said that he was very happy to see me. No. What I received was a bitter smile and a cold welcome from him.
I tried to be a very positive person lately. I want to think positively. Thus, I said to myself, “Nia, he is just tired. His thesis is overkill.”
Three days went by without his phones and visit to my home. I was quite surprised. I reckoned that he was too busy or tired; yet he spent his time going out with friends. I was very insulted. I grieved.
***
Two weeks ago, exactly, I decided that if it is God’s will, I would be more than happy to go back to Aceh. I would love to work there for some times. Yes, I would. Then, my mind started thinking of my relationship with Stefy. What should I do? What should we do?
Once in a while, I felt that this long distance relationship is very tiring. I won’t do that anymore. On the other hand, I know for sure that I care about Stefy. I (ehem..) love him. It is just such a shame to break this relationship just for another long distance relationship. We’ve been through this kind of thing.
“He has delivered us,…On Him we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us.” (2 Cor 1:10).I remembered this verse. I found it when I was crying out to God about my relationship with Stefy, in the beginning of my trip in Aceh.
I closed my eyes, repeating this verse, said to myself, “Nia, you muddle through it someway.”
***
“I need you to be here next to me. Not miles away. You suppose to be the first that knows everything about me; yet now you seem to be the last to know. When I wrote my thesis, I wanted you to be the one supporting me. Yet, you were not there. Good that I have very faithful friends.”I was stunned.
“When we talked on the phone, you kept saying about you, yourself and your surround. I don’t feel that you care about me anymore. That’s why I really want you to be here next to me, here in Surabaya.”“If I have to go throught this the second time. I don’t think I can.”Tears fell on my cheek. I felt the warm of my tears. I wiped it.
Finally, I could speak up, although I was holding my breath, stopping me from crying even worse,
“Since when did you feel this kind of thing?”“about 2-3 weeks.”Dear Lord, please remind me what I have done last 2- 3 weeks.
***
With this situation in front of me, I have to choose. It is very difficult. Thus, I decided to ask God to choose the best path for me, because I know that the plan He has is a plan to prosper me and not to harm me, plan that gives me hope and future.
Either was is fine for me, God! What I need is a heart to surrender and accept everything that may come and feet to still walk on Your path and forget what is behind.
For all of my friends or readers who celebrate Idul Fitri, Happy Idul Fitri!
