EST Syndrome

I have been very tired lately. Many things to do, works, side-jobs, helping people, studying, and my private lives, these all have kept me busy lately.

I felt so tired, enormously. I hardly have had time for myself, to cheer me up, to make me totally happy. I had realized that every thing I do, even the fun things, I would end up feeling awful because I should have done something useful instead of having fun or stressed because of I still have things to do beside the fun things. Strange, huh?

I got ill a couple time, too. Not very serious, yet it made me feeling weak, and again, useless. Have you ever felt so zielig (eng: feeling sorry for yourself) because you are ill and you can do nothing? I have that feeling sometimes.

I am no longer the nice Nia who can share laughter and share her shoulder for someone else to cry. Nia is now busy, busy, busy. Website, magazine layout, photography, graphic design, sport, and many more.

So, what happen?

I have been searching for an answer. What happen with me?

I had the feeling that God has warned me through the bike accident I had a couple weeks a go, so that I would take rest. Yet, no, I still go on, and on, and on.

I have been still looking for an answer.

Until today, after working in Albert Heijn (supermarket), I was biking home, with the typical crazy, Dutch weather. Then, I felt God spoke to me about this.

I have EST Syndrome.

Have heard about this? Hm,.. me neither. It was the first time in my life I heard this. I tried to understand, what it is exactly.

EST as –est.
You know in English you have the grammar thing about something ‘most’. Thus big – biggest, nice – nicest. It is superlative adjective.

I suffer a sickness of being the superlative. Some people know me as Nia who always does her assignment on time. I strive to keep this image, thus I work even harder to do my assignments. Other people think that I am very religious (although it is not the matter of how people think, yet it is about God), I will show that I come to the church regularly, I join some ministries. Or sometimes this syndrome comes from internal, which is from me. I will try hard to be as slim as possible; I sport regularly to keep my shape, I eat healthily. Some people can pay off bills by themselves. I will try hard to refuse my parents’ money. I work very hard, find some side-jobs, to pay off my bills.

Thus, it is my problem, my sickness.

I am sick.

Until today, tonight, I asked God for His help. I want Him to take away my ambition, to be excellent. Who am I wanting to be the greatest? It is not because of me, yet Him. Let the glory be to God Almighty.

The man who speaks of himself is looking for greatness for himself. But He Who is looking for the greatness of the One Who sent Him is true. There is nothing false in Him. (John 7:18)

It will take time, I know.

Tomorrow, I will probably still the busy Nia. Yet, I promise to God, also to you, especially to my housemates who I have ignored for quite a while. Peepz, I will come out from my cage.

Anita, thanks for helping me to realize how I missed to do fun things, especially with you, like we did in the past.

I had a dinner with Anita a couple days a go, just at home. We chatted for quite a while. We ate with hands, typically Indonesian. We had Pecel (salad with peanut sauce), tempeh (fried soy beans), and rice – very nice. We talked about van alles en nog wat (everything), and ended our night by watching Pretty Woman.

I would love to do such a thing again.

You know what I miss the most,.. my special meeting hour with God.

People, please do pray for me.

No One Else Know - Building 429

My world is closing in
On the inside
But I’m not showing it
When all I am is crying out
I hold it in and fake a smile
Still I’m broken
I’m broken
Only one can understand
And only one can hold the hand
Of the broken
Of the broken

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in your arms
Again

I need no explanation of why me
I just need confirmation
Only You could understand the
emptiness inside my head
I am falling
I am falling
I’m falling down upon my knees
To find the one who gives me peace
I am flying
Lord I am flying

When no one else knows how I feel
Your love for me is proven real
When no one else cares where I’ve been
You run to me with outstretched hands
And You hold me in Your arms
Again

I have come to you in search of faith
Cause I can’t see beyond this place
Oh You are God and I am man
So I’ll leave it in Your hands

"When emptiness and meaningless life became a topic of the day, God gave me this song. What an encouragement! Golda, this one is for us, and for "them". Let's pray!"

Bulletin Board

I found this Qs on Friendster. Hhehe,.. just for fun filling them in. and,.. the Qs are very mee,.. :)

1. What did you eat today?
:: Breakfast: Muesli, Lunch: Rice Crackers with Hagelslag and banana, Dinner: (maybe don't eat)

2: If you are given a chance, where would you like to study?
:: United Kingdom. Oxford maybe (cool!), but in reality, related to my study, I want to study in Denmark

3: And why is that so?
:: Hm,.. why in england? because I LOVE england. Why in Denmark? I wanna study Knowledge Management and Denmark has it.

4: How are you feeling now?
:: capek, tired, wanna sleep but I can't coz I have a meeting soon.

5: When was the last time you cried?
:: last nite, when sharing to my roommate.

6: Who is in your mind?
:: myself

7: Are you a sensitive person?
:: very much, especially lately

8: Do you wanna get married?
:: of course,..

9: Describe love.
:: beautiful,.. very!

10: What will you do after this?
:: meeting concerning my worship ministry

11: Where will you be after exam?
:: WE HAVE NO EXAM,.. yipeee

12: Who is your soul-mate?
:: apparently who is predestinied to be my soul-mate :P

13: Are you happy with your life?
:: very,.. yet not quite lately,..

14: Ever been heartbroken?
:: a couple time,.. a looong time ago

15: Current fear?
:: no money

16: Favourite stuff??
:: hm,... nothing

17: Who would you like to be like?
:: pig,.... because it can eat as much as it can without being afraid of getting fat.

18:What will you do if someone propose you now?
:: if he is the one I love, I would be veryyy flattered,.. :D

19:Where will you be standing in 10 years time?
:: location: Indonesia, maybe NOT in Surabaya, somewhere cooler (Irian, maybe?), with my happy family.

20:When was the last time you said I love you?
:: 2 days ago, on the phone

21: Last topic you studied?
:: The Theory of Human Motivation - A.H. Maslow

22:Latest facial wash you are using?
::Just water,..

23: handphone brand?
:: Sony Ericcson.

24: Honeymoon spot?
:: HAWAIII :P or Cuba, or South Africa,.. somewhere with a beach.

25: Last place you visited?
:: my work office, OMF

25: Waiting for a miracle to happen?
:: YES INDEED (please someone transfer money to my bank account :P)

26: What are you wearing now?
:: 1/2 pajama, 1/2 formal sweater

27: Feeling homesick?
:: VERY MUCH

28: Last person you kissed?
:: Hm,... my little sister

29: Do you believe in God?
:: YES

30: Song that is playing in your mind?
:: Jazz music that i listen now

31: favourite subject at school?
:: Everything taught by mark tawil (heheheh)

32: do you hate anyone?
:: No

33: last person you talked to on the phone?
:: Tamara

34: favourite ice cream flavour?
:: Bosvruchten

35: last drink you drank?
:: green tea

36: say something about yourself!
:: moody

37: say something about the guy/gal you like!
:: he is handsome (hehuheuhe.... jangan sampek dia baca ini,.. isa nangis terharu dia, wekekkeke)

38: something you like to touch?
::warm bakpao chik yen with peanut or black soy bean. inside. sluruupp,....

Last weeks review

It’s been a while that I haven’t updated my blog. Busy? Hm,.. such a cliché answer. Yet, yes I was. I was very busy. It’s been a hectic week.

I am now quite relaxed. Assignments are done, deadlines were met, and obligations are done. Thank God!

Maybe it will be nice to review what have happened last weeks.

26-28 Oct 2005

I was in Germany for my school project – DIESCOM. As a group we were about to organize a corporate event on January in Amsterdam/Diemen, together with the German students. I stayed in a German girls’ s house, called Pauline. It was very special because I noticed that she was at the point of searching a ‘power’ beyond herself, i.e. God. I shared a little bit about my faith. Great!

Tiring, yet very nice. On January, they will come to Amsterdam. Looking forward to it!

28-30 Oct 2005

I went directly to a conference in Zelhem, the Netherlands. It was a youth mission Christian conference (Zendings Jongeren Weekend). In this conference, I was challenged to commit myself in mission not because of who I am, but because of God’s grace in my life.

The speaker, Peter, said that if we have passion to praise Him, to glorify Him, we will have compassion to serve other people.

The theme was ‘Count your cost!’ It was about (not) counting the cost of being God’s servants, because in whatever circumstances, happy or sad, it is so good to serve God; it is an honour to serve Him! I was directly examined in this lesson. I lost (again) my soft-lens (the right lens) during the night outbound. I was very mad. I was terribly upset, because, again, I had to spend extra money for something silly like that. I was very tired, too, after the German trip. In the end of the conference, I was reminded that it wasn’t about me; it is about Him. He will provide what I need and in whatever circumstances I have to praise Him!

30-31 Oct 2005

Because of the traffic jam, I decided to stay overnight in my boss’ house. It was so great to meet his daughters and wife after quite a long time. We watched ‘the office’ and ate typical Dutch fast food. It was the first time for me to eat Dutch fast food, after 3 YEARS!!! Hheeheheh,… amazing huh? I don’t like fast food: anti fast-food. He bought Bami balletjes, Nasi balletjes en Patat met Pindasaus for me. For non Dutch speaker,.. they were basically junk food – French fries with peanut sauce and some junk, fried vegetarian things.

The next morning, until a couple days afterward, I had a digesting problem; I couldn’t eat properly and I felt noxious.

Thus, No More Junk Food please,…

31 Oct, evening

Thank God, I slept in my own bed. Finally,..

4 Nov, early in the morning

I fell from my bike. I had a terrible accident on the way to my work.

I am okay now. Yet on that day, blood came out from my nose (Uh,.. scary) and my forehead was wounded. I, still, have a lot of blue ‘tattoos’ in my legs, arms and (left) eye.

Thank God, I am alive.

Through this accident, I realize how changeable our lives are.

It was so fast!

At 6.20 I was about to go, took on my shoes, looked to the mirror and was ready to go.

At 6.28 I was back in my apartment, a little bit crying, took of my shoes, in the same place, looked to the mirror, with bleeding nose and forehead and pain in my body, and with broken bike.

At that time, I just knew that I could never, ever, live without God. He has fully control on my life. Thank you, Lord!

6 November

Ready to sleep,..

One prayer point, please do pray for the pain in my body. It is annoying because I always feel it when I sleep and I can’t sport.