EST Syndrome

I have been very tired lately. Many things to do, works, side-jobs, helping people, studying, and my private lives, these all have kept me busy lately.

I felt so tired, enormously. I hardly have had time for myself, to cheer me up, to make me totally happy. I had realized that every thing I do, even the fun things, I would end up feeling awful because I should have done something useful instead of having fun or stressed because of I still have things to do beside the fun things. Strange, huh?

I got ill a couple time, too. Not very serious, yet it made me feeling weak, and again, useless. Have you ever felt so zielig (eng: feeling sorry for yourself) because you are ill and you can do nothing? I have that feeling sometimes.

I am no longer the nice Nia who can share laughter and share her shoulder for someone else to cry. Nia is now busy, busy, busy. Website, magazine layout, photography, graphic design, sport, and many more.

So, what happen?

I have been searching for an answer. What happen with me?

I had the feeling that God has warned me through the bike accident I had a couple weeks a go, so that I would take rest. Yet, no, I still go on, and on, and on.

I have been still looking for an answer.

Until today, after working in Albert Heijn (supermarket), I was biking home, with the typical crazy, Dutch weather. Then, I felt God spoke to me about this.

I have EST Syndrome.

Have heard about this? Hm,.. me neither. It was the first time in my life I heard this. I tried to understand, what it is exactly.

EST as –est.
You know in English you have the grammar thing about something ‘most’. Thus big – biggest, nice – nicest. It is superlative adjective.

I suffer a sickness of being the superlative. Some people know me as Nia who always does her assignment on time. I strive to keep this image, thus I work even harder to do my assignments. Other people think that I am very religious (although it is not the matter of how people think, yet it is about God), I will show that I come to the church regularly, I join some ministries. Or sometimes this syndrome comes from internal, which is from me. I will try hard to be as slim as possible; I sport regularly to keep my shape, I eat healthily. Some people can pay off bills by themselves. I will try hard to refuse my parents’ money. I work very hard, find some side-jobs, to pay off my bills.

Thus, it is my problem, my sickness.

I am sick.

Until today, tonight, I asked God for His help. I want Him to take away my ambition, to be excellent. Who am I wanting to be the greatest? It is not because of me, yet Him. Let the glory be to God Almighty.

The man who speaks of himself is looking for greatness for himself. But He Who is looking for the greatness of the One Who sent Him is true. There is nothing false in Him. (John 7:18)

It will take time, I know.

Tomorrow, I will probably still the busy Nia. Yet, I promise to God, also to you, especially to my housemates who I have ignored for quite a while. Peepz, I will come out from my cage.

Anita, thanks for helping me to realize how I missed to do fun things, especially with you, like we did in the past.

I had a dinner with Anita a couple days a go, just at home. We chatted for quite a while. We ate with hands, typically Indonesian. We had Pecel (salad with peanut sauce), tempeh (fried soy beans), and rice – very nice. We talked about van alles en nog wat (everything), and ended our night by watching Pretty Woman.

I would love to do such a thing again.

You know what I miss the most,.. my special meeting hour with God.

People, please do pray for me.