Don't mess with (older) women!

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. (The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.)
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration pa pers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
(The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.)
(The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.)
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Well for heavens sake, how ridiculous!! ! I Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

The Moral Of The Story?
Don't Mess With Old Ladies!!

Mom Vs Dad

A little girl asked her mother,
'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered,
'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and then all mankind was made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered,
'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered,
'Well, dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

Husband Mart is now open

A store that sells husbands has just opened in the city where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is,however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend,but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads :

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. But, there must be more, further up!" And again she heads up another flight. The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at Husband Mart and have a nice day!

Source: Touching & Inspiring Stories

JAL : Do this at home!

Dave was proud of his new fishing boat and loved being behind the wheel. However, being the responsible husband, he was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.

So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Honey, take the wheel... Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it." So she drove the boat to shore and safely docked it.

Later that evening, she walked into the living room where her husband was watching his favorite football team on TV. She sat down next to him, switched the TV off, and said to him,

"Honey, I want you to go into the kitchen. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. Set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."

J4L

J4L (Just 4 Laugh)

A man wants to have a WIFE because she can make his life :

W : Wonderful
I : Interesting
F : Fascinating
E : Extraordinary

But a woman will have to be extra careful in finding a HUSBAND, because he might be:

H : Hopeless
U : Unaccountable
S : Senseless
B : Boring
A : Authoritative
N : Nuisance
D : Discriminative

Why does a man want to have a WIFE? Because she can provide :

W : Washing
I : Ironing
F : Food
E : Entertainment

Why does a woman wanna have a HUSBAND? Because he is expected to :

H : House her
U : Understand her
S : Share everything with her
B : Buy anything for her
A : and
N : Never
D : Demand anything from her!!!!!!!!

(Milis Ayah Bunda - Le Sian Hoa)