I have done it

If you think that I am a girl know nothing about students' life, in the Netherlands, you got me wrong.
It is foolish to confess what I have done a couple months ago, but when I think how I have been different since then, I am sure it does not harm to write my confession on this blog.

It was since my birthday, when the only thing I saw was darkness and doubt of my future, my next path. Life seemed even more difficult. If I didn’t cry for at least once in a month, that was what I would call ‘miracle’! It was since I realized that I have clung onto the wrong being.

For me, at that very moment, God did exist, but He was on vacation; or He was just put me on hold because He was busy answering sufferings and hungers in other part of the world; or even worse, I thought that He was too arrogant to answer my prayer. He owns everything, every single thing! If you can imagine, what could He not do? He couldn’t do nothing! Thus, why was it so difficult to help me, to answer my prayer? I didn’t get it. I didn’t understand.

It was since I decided not to put my hope on Him. I still wanted to be called a Christian. Probably I was just to greedy to lose my identity as God’s child and have all the rights in His Kingdom, thus, I kept my identity as a Christian. I still went to church regularly. I prayed; yet what I said to myself was not to beg anything from Him anymore. I stopped asking for help. I stopped asking for deliverance. When my mom asked me to pray for my dad’s new job, I said “ah mom, I won’t pray for it anymore! Because you know, God is just gonna mess around with it again. He would seemingly bless us, give us hopes, and then in the end He would take anything we have hoped for.”

It was since I saw cigarette an answer for my depression. It was hard not to think or want it. I wanted to smoke so badly. I knew it was unhealthy. Thus, I kept saying to myself “Nia, you gonna die from it!” Then I saw some people just smoking to ease the pain. I knew it would only be temporary; but I needed an instant cure. I was depressed. Yet, I remembered again, that my body is the body of Christ. I shall not damage it.

There was a moment, when I and my friends were joking and betting whether I could smoke. I didn’t wait till the second offer. I lighted an unknown brand cigarette, and enjoyed the taste of nicotine. I was expecting a cure. I was expecting a good feeling after my first or second smoke. Yet, it didn’t happen.

Since It was just for fun, my friends stopped me for smoking more (I think that’s what friends are for. They don’t put you in danger!) It was hard indeed not to want more. I am working as a floor manager in a supermarket and I am responsible for the sell of cigarettes in this supermarket. Can you imagine? To smoke has been my desire for a couple of weeks. I didn’t touch a cigarette or buy a package at all. Yet, I wanted it so badly. Praying was just rituals before going to bed, in the morning and before meals. Reading Bible was no longer on my daily schedule due to, my very ‘genuine’ excuse, final dissertation. I fell from one hole to another. If you read my previous post, I liked another guy while I have a lovely boyfriend who cared about me. I said nasty thing to my housemate, which I had never said before, never in my entire life. How come?

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

Accompanied by this verse, my dearest friend, whom I also consider as my big bro, Ardy, uttered that in these four years, I have always been complaining about my family, financial stuffs – always the same things! He encouraged me to surrender everything to God, to look for answer in Him, not in a cigarette. God will fulfill your need, said Ardy. With a humble heart, I asked God to re-enter my heart, replace my desire to smoke, replace my anger to Him with praise and worship.

I am a different person.

Need a proof? Last month I lost 20 euro. You know what I did? Nothing! If it happened two months ago, I would be mad. I would cry because for 20 Euro I could do grocery shopping for two weeks. I would blame this to God because He always messed around with my life.

Another proof? I am still working as floor manager who is responsible for selling cigarettes; yet I am not even tempted to buy one or smoke one anymore.

Just a tip for you who want to quit smoking! I read somewhere that if you smoke, your body is already poisoned. Therefore it is difficult for you to quit smoking; you then become addicted to it. Thus, you have to first clean the poison. How? Detoxification! Just eat vegetables, fruit, drink vegetables or fruit juice and drink a lot of water for a week. I actually did this for three days, not (only) to clean the poison, but, recently, my illness re-appeared. This diet helps a lot!

Another tip? Be willing to stop and ask, with your humble heart, to God to cure your craving, your addiction.

As He did for me.

Ah yeah,... I have learned my lesson.

p.s. my picture is real, although it was editted using photoshop. I will remember this picture.