Soft Time Vs. Hard Time

-Chronological moments with Jesus-

Born (1984) I was born Christian, thankfully.

1984-1996
I didn’t remember exactly how I spent my childhood with Jesus; yet I always went to Sunday school every week. I hardly missed any classes. I often had presents for remembering Bible verses. I played roles in Christmas service and Easter. I’d been singing in front of the congregation.
Hm,.. what else?
I don’t remember anymore how my Christian life was.
One thing that I always remember (which I actually shouldn’t) is I had a fight with some of my best friends and end up not having close relationship anymore.
I forgot what stuffs made us fighting –I assumed just stupid-girly stuffs –yet at that time, for the first time, I was disappointed with my best friend whom I’d trusted so much.

1996-1999
My naughty puberty times, I would say – I was rebellious.
I went to Youth service at Church, however, in this period, I’d realized that going to Church was only a weekly activity. I felt really bored. Although I played piano almost every week, or being a backing vocal in the Sunday service and I was even one of the ‘most important organisation’ members in Youth congregation.

I went to church every Sunday with moaning.
I often had argue with my parents about waking up late on Sunday (it was just me not in the right mood to go to church)
I went to other church activities only if I wanted to.
I prayed only if I needed to.
I cried out for God’s helps only if I suffered.

I did ‘evil things’ –gossiping at school, I had a lot of problems with friends either at school or church.

In the end, I felt, again, disappointed with my best friends. I figured out that they actually talked about me behind my back. In the end of my junior high school, I, sort of, found the way back to Jesus. I realized how bad it’d been without Jesus.

1999-2002
In the past, God might teach me softly; He might think that I was too young to understand life. In this period, in my senior high-school, I’d learned a lot about life and especially God. It was a tough period.

One thing that made a mark in my heart, until now, was when I lost everything that I had. Don’t imagine that I lost my family because of flood, or I lost my house because of fire, or even worse I became an orphanage, yet I, indeed, lost many things I’d loved.
First I, sort of, lost my parents. My little sister was born. Love and care, which I normally had from my parents instantly decreased; they obviously more cared about my little sister. I felt neglected.

At school, again, my best friend deceived me. One of ‘cool guys’ in the class didn’t like me, because his girlfriends had a problem with me (which was according to her, because in fact, I didn’t feel having problem with her). Thus, if my best friend still wanted to be friend with ‘cool guys’, she ‘had’ to hate me –and she did. She told untruth stories about me, making me as a loser in the class. No longer than a week, I had no friends in the class.

Have you seen film with geeks sitting in front of teacher desk? I was once one of them. After most of classmates didn’t want to be friend with me anymore, nobody would talk to me, I had to sit in the front, with a girl I was used to make fun of.

I deserved it, I reckoned.
I’d made fun of some geeks once, and in the end, I was one of them.

Even worse, I had a problem with people in the church. I don’t exactly remember what I had at that time, and I actually don’t want to talk about it, but it was indeed a big problem, at least for me.

I had no one, really. It was maybe a little bit exaggerating, because I should have had someone, but it was a really dark moment. When I went to school, I was alone. There were hardly people who wanted to talk to me and be in a group with me. In the church, I didn’t feel home, and even in my own house, I felt like an outsider.

In the end, when there seemed no way, i found one way -comitting suicide


[to be continued]