Feeling Sorry - I love you
Everybody has asked me whether I’d posted a new blog lately, and I turned up saying ‘No, I haven’t!’ Just before I started thinking to write a new one, just now, I unconsciously was questioning myself what I’d happened to me lately. Then I said to myself, “Hm, nothing special, actually! Nothing special has happened; I don’t think I have something to share.”
STOP!
Did I just explicitly say that God hasn’t blessed me lately?
Rewind!
(I push ‘rewind’ button in my brain and now I am back on the first scene.)
God has blessed me a lot, indeed.
There is actually a reason why I don’t really want to write a blog lately, it is because I am too embarrassed to myself, to you all and to God.
If you flash back to what I wrote two or three weeks a go, about my poverty, my needs of financial assistances and my arrogance to survive, you will read my anger, my self-esteem and my power over my life – instead of surrendering on God.
A little bit of background story
I’d grown up in a family where my dad had a really strong character (until God thoroughly changed him up-side-down). He always had his arrogance. You might be asking, “What does Nia mean by her dad’s arrogance?” He was a dad, who was really cool, not as hip and easy-going, but as silent, icy; he couldn’t easily express his feelings and thoughts. I remember in every birthday, he would just formally say ‘happy birthday’ with an icy gaze. Sometime my mom needed to remind him to say ‘happy birthday’ to his children, not because he forgot, but he was just too icy to say that.
It didn’t mean that he didn’t love his children: he really loved me and my brother at that time (I just had a little sister in 2000, when he had slightly changed). He laughed at some times, made stupid jokes who only we could understand, and doing crazy things together; however, he was indeed really bad at expressing love and ‘good things’. I don’t even remember my day has said ‘I love you’ to me.
I don’t have any idea whether he did the same with my mom. I think he might be better expressing love with my mom, rather than that with his children and other people, otherwise my mom wouldn’t get married with him. Once, my mom said that when they had a short long-distance relationship (thus, not only their daughter is in a long-distance relationship), my dad wrote her a letter, which was even worse than a letter for a boss asking for raising wages; it was really formal, without any love words (I could imagine how funny it was, hm,.. maybe my mom felt really sad reading the letter, hehehe).
In my opinion, it is also Indonesian culture as well when people not easily express their feeling about love; people wouldn’t richly say ‘I love you’ to others, even to their family or close friends.
As I am my dad’s oldest daughter and most people say that I look exactly like my dad, I had that ‘syndrome’ as well. I reckoned it was once even worse. I hardly say ‘I love you’ to my mom, dad and brother. It was hard for me as well to say sorry as well as to be sympathized by other people.
Remember my illness, my cyst? When I had that, my mom’s friends came to my house, wanted to pray for me. I was extremely angry to my mom. I didn’t want people feeling sorry for me. I also had asked my mom not to tell anyone about my illness, but she did. When her friends came, I locked myself on my room refusing to come out.
It is just an example. In short, I really had a problem with my self-esteem.
What happened next?
I went to Youth Weekend (Jongeren Weekend, Nijmegen) last month and God spoke to me directly, not with the words from the bible, but from looking to what happened there.
In the last session from Kendal Revees, we prayed together in a group. One thing that annoyed me was when I saw my friend prayed together with his sister (that you for Steven Huber for this). I, then, realized that I’d never prayed together with my brother (oh, my sister was yet too small to do this). Even worse, when I saw Steven hugged his sister, I was shocked realizing I’d never hugged my brother; maybe once when I was five or six, but not when we were grown up. I’d never said ‘I love you’ to my brother either. Shame on me!
Most of you might have heard some quotes about love: ‘if you love someone, you have to go and tell him/her’, ‘if tomorrow never comes, would s/he know how much you love her/him?’ Do you think these quotes are only for your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband and wife? No, it is not. You have to tell that you love your mom, your dad, your brother, your sisters, your best friends, your grandparents, and many more. Otherwise you might not have any chances anymore, as I lost mine to say ‘I love you’ to my grandpa.
I love him so much, but he passed away now.
Did he know I love him? Maybe, but I just never said it. I felt sorry about it.
I suggest you to start thinking about it, start saying ‘I love you’ to someone close to you, and then also pray for them – pray together with them, too.
It could be difficult for some people, especially for some Indonesians. As what I learned in my first year BA Communication Management in Marieke de Mooij’s book, Indonesia is a high power distance country. Young generation has to put respect to old generation; youth has to be really polite to the parents, family, etc. This kind of respect creates a method in most of our mind, which causes a difficulty to express love.
Thus, it might be difficult for you, and as well for me, but I’ve tried. When I got back from the youth weekend, I sent a text message (SMS) to my brother in Indonesia and in the end I wrote ‘I love you’. It was a bit awkward, I think he would feel strange too, but in the end it was nice. Now, I do that with my mom when we are on MSN or when I write e-mails. I also start doing that with my dad, although not very often yet.
Now, grab your mobile phone, or start to click ‘compose’ (on yahoo!) or ‘new’ (on hotmail) to write an e-mail (or SMS) and end your message with ‘I love you’.
So, Now I just finish talking about saying I love you, not about feeling sorry for moaning about my poverty and needs. Hm,.. I will talk about it later.
STOP!
Did I just explicitly say that God hasn’t blessed me lately?
Rewind!
(I push ‘rewind’ button in my brain and now I am back on the first scene.)
God has blessed me a lot, indeed.
There is actually a reason why I don’t really want to write a blog lately, it is because I am too embarrassed to myself, to you all and to God.
If you flash back to what I wrote two or three weeks a go, about my poverty, my needs of financial assistances and my arrogance to survive, you will read my anger, my self-esteem and my power over my life – instead of surrendering on God.
A little bit of background story
I’d grown up in a family where my dad had a really strong character (until God thoroughly changed him up-side-down). He always had his arrogance. You might be asking, “What does Nia mean by her dad’s arrogance?” He was a dad, who was really cool, not as hip and easy-going, but as silent, icy; he couldn’t easily express his feelings and thoughts. I remember in every birthday, he would just formally say ‘happy birthday’ with an icy gaze. Sometime my mom needed to remind him to say ‘happy birthday’ to his children, not because he forgot, but he was just too icy to say that.
It didn’t mean that he didn’t love his children: he really loved me and my brother at that time (I just had a little sister in 2000, when he had slightly changed). He laughed at some times, made stupid jokes who only we could understand, and doing crazy things together; however, he was indeed really bad at expressing love and ‘good things’. I don’t even remember my day has said ‘I love you’ to me.
I don’t have any idea whether he did the same with my mom. I think he might be better expressing love with my mom, rather than that with his children and other people, otherwise my mom wouldn’t get married with him. Once, my mom said that when they had a short long-distance relationship (thus, not only their daughter is in a long-distance relationship), my dad wrote her a letter, which was even worse than a letter for a boss asking for raising wages; it was really formal, without any love words (I could imagine how funny it was, hm,.. maybe my mom felt really sad reading the letter, hehehe).
In my opinion, it is also Indonesian culture as well when people not easily express their feeling about love; people wouldn’t richly say ‘I love you’ to others, even to their family or close friends.
As I am my dad’s oldest daughter and most people say that I look exactly like my dad, I had that ‘syndrome’ as well. I reckoned it was once even worse. I hardly say ‘I love you’ to my mom, dad and brother. It was hard for me as well to say sorry as well as to be sympathized by other people.
Remember my illness, my cyst? When I had that, my mom’s friends came to my house, wanted to pray for me. I was extremely angry to my mom. I didn’t want people feeling sorry for me. I also had asked my mom not to tell anyone about my illness, but she did. When her friends came, I locked myself on my room refusing to come out.
It is just an example. In short, I really had a problem with my self-esteem.
What happened next?
I went to Youth Weekend (Jongeren Weekend, Nijmegen) last month and God spoke to me directly, not with the words from the bible, but from looking to what happened there.
In the last session from Kendal Revees, we prayed together in a group. One thing that annoyed me was when I saw my friend prayed together with his sister (that you for Steven Huber for this). I, then, realized that I’d never prayed together with my brother (oh, my sister was yet too small to do this). Even worse, when I saw Steven hugged his sister, I was shocked realizing I’d never hugged my brother; maybe once when I was five or six, but not when we were grown up. I’d never said ‘I love you’ to my brother either. Shame on me!
Most of you might have heard some quotes about love: ‘if you love someone, you have to go and tell him/her’, ‘if tomorrow never comes, would s/he know how much you love her/him?’ Do you think these quotes are only for your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband and wife? No, it is not. You have to tell that you love your mom, your dad, your brother, your sisters, your best friends, your grandparents, and many more. Otherwise you might not have any chances anymore, as I lost mine to say ‘I love you’ to my grandpa.
I love him so much, but he passed away now.
Did he know I love him? Maybe, but I just never said it. I felt sorry about it.
I suggest you to start thinking about it, start saying ‘I love you’ to someone close to you, and then also pray for them – pray together with them, too.
It could be difficult for some people, especially for some Indonesians. As what I learned in my first year BA Communication Management in Marieke de Mooij’s book, Indonesia is a high power distance country. Young generation has to put respect to old generation; youth has to be really polite to the parents, family, etc. This kind of respect creates a method in most of our mind, which causes a difficulty to express love.
Thus, it might be difficult for you, and as well for me, but I’ve tried. When I got back from the youth weekend, I sent a text message (SMS) to my brother in Indonesia and in the end I wrote ‘I love you’. It was a bit awkward, I think he would feel strange too, but in the end it was nice. Now, I do that with my mom when we are on MSN or when I write e-mails. I also start doing that with my dad, although not very often yet.
Now, grab your mobile phone, or start to click ‘compose’ (on yahoo!) or ‘new’ (on hotmail) to write an e-mail (or SMS) and end your message with ‘I love you’.
So, Now I just finish talking about saying I love you, not about feeling sorry for moaning about my poverty and needs. Hm,.. I will talk about it later.
posted by Oma Nia at
7:39 PM
1 Comments:
nia..
i love you.. huhuhu
no, you're not a romantic type nor a 'gombal' type but people can see that you're full of love from what you've done, the attention, the sweet things you said, etc.
btw, my grandma passed away 3 days ago. It was so shocking, we all got up in Monday morning, eyes wet with tears.. *sniff* bOnyok langsung cabut ke Medan pagi itu juga.
Nia, you saw your grandpa passed away, but i didn't, even mum was late for her funeral. Gw terus terang sedih banget, I haven't seen her for years, I promised to see her this February before returning to Holland, but now I won't be able to fulfill that promise..
Anyhow, as I was reading your post, I promised to myself to let my loved ones know that I do care for them. I think that my grandma's death has made me realize more about the meaning of this simple phrase, "You don't know what you've got till it's gone".. *sniff* I had wished that she would come when I got married, gave birth, she told me often that she would really love to be there and asked me if I could pray for her to live until that day.
Nia, I wish you're having a great time at your placement, sori gw jadi curhat panjang gini, padahal kan harusnya cuma ngasih komentar, hehehe.. Anyway, iloveyou.. huhuhuh pasti loe mo muntah deh. Take care, and I hope i'd be seeing you again next year ^^
GBU :*
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home