Getting Older and Childish

For some people who know me quite well, they might know why I write this article. In the next couple days, I will celebrate my birthday.

I, personally, do not really care about it. Few weeks ago I even had a plan to flee from home, from everybody basically. Yet, I found it ridiculous. Then, I thought of something else, which is to keep myself busy in the office until late and do not come home at all until late.

Silly, huh?

Why am I doing this? What am I hiding from?

I don’t know, there are some reasons that might be THE reason:

1. Shame

I am ashamed of myself. I am broke; I don’t have money to spend to treat people for my birthday. In the Netherlands, if you are birthday, you have to bring a treat, for instance to your office. On Wednesday, I have to work, which means I have to bring a treat. I am, honestly, petrified. I was planning to sick (hehe,.. such a ridiculous plan) on Wednesday, yet I know it is a lie. The same thing happens at my home.

My roommates want to do something on Wednesday to celebrate my birthday. I can’t afford a party, thus they said that party is not important, yet togetherness (which I agreed). Anyway, I am very embarrassed, because I can’t do something to celebrate my party.

2. Pride

It is the trickiest thing. I realize that sometimes my self-esteem is too high. I’d love to help people, yet I, often, refuse if people help me. In this moment, people will offer help, give a hand, however, I feel that they are sorry for me, and I don’t like that.

3. Weirdo

I am just WEIRD! I think it makes sense. It is short, powerful and reasonable reason why I act like this. I am probably losing my mind.

4. Money

Or is it the reason? Instead of depending on God and trusting Him that He can do everything, in His own time, I lean on money as the solution.

Ah,.. maybe some people who read this will get tired, move their mouse to the top-right of the screen, and close the window. Probably you are right to get sick of my writing. I don’t even know why I write this.

Probably I am just feeling sorry of myself in this loneliness before my birthday, or is it because I miss my family back home? Yes, probably I do. I miss to celebrate my birthday with them.

p.s. for my roommates, I am so sorry for things I have done that annoy you. I truly do.