Caution: I am attractive!

I have been again reading another series of woman’s battle; this one is called “every single woman’s battle.” Hm,.. I am single, thus I ordered this book via Amazon. I thought this book will be another explanation about being single in Christ.

I was wrong! It was a workbook.

Honestly, I was disappointed, because this book was in the offer, only £3.5 (thus, peepz, don’t buy a thing only because it is in the offer. Stupid me!), thus I ordered it.

This workbook contains questions that you have to answer regarding sexuality issue and Christianity. This book is related to the book I read before: every woman’s battle.

I went through this book; I read the introduction. It was Okay! Then, I started filling in some questions. I was getting more and more interested.

Until I was in the section of Yes/No type of questions; I was very surprised and stunned when I read this question: Do you feel secretly excited or powerful when you sense that a man finds you attractive?

I answered: YES.

I didn’t realize that I have felt this way the whole time. When a man liked me, I would always say “I don’t notice”, or “I don’t know”, because I thought that I don’t know it. After reading this book (and of course the previous woman’s battle book), I realized that actually, deep down in my heart, I knew it and I enjoyed the pleasure.

I felt excited about it.

I felt that I am meaningful, important.

Once, a guy I didn’t know very well fancied me, my housemate told me. Yet, I said to my housemate, I didn’t notice.

"How could you know that a guy likes you? if you are not close to him and at some points he gives you a call or chats with you? Isn’t that just normal? I cannot distinguish a guy who fancies me or a guy who just wants to be friend with me. They are all the same."

That was what I said.
I was so stubborn kept thinking that this guy didn’t like me and just wanted to befriend with me, especially because he knew I am in a relationship.
In the end, it became clear that he actually did like me. (I don’t think I have to tell the whole story).

I shared this to Stefy. He was upset, “You are always like this. How do you not know if a guy likes you?” He questioned me with similar questions I have asked myself before. I gave him the same answer: “I didn’t notice anything”

Yet, during this confession, I admitted that I always think that no body will like me, will fancy me because there is nothing attractive, nothing special about me - also, with the fact that I am in a relationship.

During filling in questions in my new workbook, this issue came back to me. I realized that I have felt this way, felt not worthy; I have a very low self-esteem.

All of these truths made me flashback to years ago when I was still at school. During my elementary school, I was always bullied. My female classmates didn’t really want to befriend with me. It happened, too, during my junior high school and first grade senior high school.

I can recall when I was in elementary school, a girl insulted me saying that I was too girlish or, in a negative way, too seductive, because of my style. Thus, I changed my style differently. I became very boyish. I refused wearing skirt or tight-tops, or sleeveless tops.

When I was teenager, I liked some guys. I fancied my school president (read: ketua OSIS), my classmates, and also a guy that played basketball. In fact, most of the guys I liked didn’t like me (read: cinta bertepuk sebelah tangan).

All the facts above had made me think I am worthless; they have reduced my self-esteem. Honestly, before reading this workbook, I have never been thinking that I am sufficiently attractive.

Actually, it was Elvin that made me realize. One night, we were chatting, giggling, and sharing some stories, then (I forgot how it started), she said, if I have to give you a score, between 1 to 10, I would give you 9.5.

What? No way!! You are joking!!!
I was laughing, very hard.

Elvin is a unique creature that is hardly serious (heheh,.. sorry phien!) Thus, I thought, she must be joking .

She, trying to be serious, then said that it was true.
Her comment made me think for a while. Am I really that attractive?

He, nia, what’s the point?
Peepz, I do not write this post to claim that I AM ATTRACTIVE or I AM BEAUTIFUL. No,.. I want to share that NOTHING can make you feel more valuable, not a guy, not money, not fashion, nothing!

If your fans, full with cute guys, are queuing in front of your door, it doesn’t make you more valuable.

If you have tons of euros to spend, it doesn’t make you more valuable.

If you always have the latest mode in your wardrobe, it doesn’t make you more valuable.

What makes you more valuable is to realize that you are worthy; you are valuable. You are who you are and what you are.

I said this one to my friend, my close friend, “You are worthy, no matter what. God has created you and God doesn’t make mistake. He has a great plan for you!”

Another thing that can make you can do to feel more attractive inside out, be thankful in everything.

For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.' ” 1 Samuel 16:7