ABC - A Bitter Celebration
"Birthday? Neeeh,... I better skip it this year."
Some people have been mentioning about my birthday - birthday gifts, treat, or party - although it was not yet my birthday. I chose to skip that conversation or at least tried to change the topic.
I can hardly explain why I felt that way, but I am not that excited to celebrate my birthday.
"I don't feel like celebrating," I said to a friend.
As I have my me-time tonight - no deadlines, no last-minute project, and no extra task - I gazed (upon my ceiling) try to figure out why I have been trying to reject the reality that my birthday is coming.
Am I scared of being old?
Is it hard to accept the reality that I get more wrinkles in my face?
Am I scared to hear my biological clock ticks even faster?
Or, am I scared because I don’t have enough money to treat my friends?
In the end of my meditation, I found an answer – an honest one. I am very scared and ashamed of myself because this year has not been a very good, productive year, in terms of my relationship with my Creator.
As I looked back, I listed so many disappointments, anger, sadness, scare, denial, runaway, hatred, lie, hypocrisy, and some more. I started my 2007 with being scared of people (Nia, they were actually just human, like you), continued with anger to some parties and running away from problems, and then I, whom I used to called myself, the social-humanist-Christian, became very pathetic and acted hypocrisy. As the end of the year was approaching, I planted a seed of hatred and being unforgiving.
In conclusion, I am not very happy with myself. In fact, I feel such a loser in front of Him.
“Nia , what have you done this year?” I heard Him asking me.
“Not much, Lord. I have been working like an atheist dog. I called Your name when I needed comfort and happiness in my heart. I closed my eyes and prayed when I felt bad about things and I needed forgiveness. I went to church every Sunday just to fill in my empty Sunday mornings and, actually, I occasionally forgot to give the tenth.” I answered.
At least I have my reason to skip my birthday this year.
What do I want for my birthday? I want a full year of 2007, renewed and refreshed so that I could start over my life in 2007, better and more responsible.
Lord, have mercy on me! I will change, starting NOW!
Some people have been mentioning about my birthday - birthday gifts, treat, or party - although it was not yet my birthday. I chose to skip that conversation or at least tried to change the topic.
I can hardly explain why I felt that way, but I am not that excited to celebrate my birthday.
"I don't feel like celebrating," I said to a friend.
As I have my me-time tonight - no deadlines, no last-minute project, and no extra task - I gazed (upon my ceiling) try to figure out why I have been trying to reject the reality that my birthday is coming.
Am I scared of being old?
Is it hard to accept the reality that I get more wrinkles in my face?
Am I scared to hear my biological clock ticks even faster?
Or, am I scared because I don’t have enough money to treat my friends?
In the end of my meditation, I found an answer – an honest one. I am very scared and ashamed of myself because this year has not been a very good, productive year, in terms of my relationship with my Creator.
As I looked back, I listed so many disappointments, anger, sadness, scare, denial, runaway, hatred, lie, hypocrisy, and some more. I started my 2007 with being scared of people (Nia, they were actually just human, like you), continued with anger to some parties and running away from problems, and then I, whom I used to called myself, the social-humanist-Christian, became very pathetic and acted hypocrisy. As the end of the year was approaching, I planted a seed of hatred and being unforgiving.
In conclusion, I am not very happy with myself. In fact, I feel such a loser in front of Him.
“Nia , what have you done this year?” I heard Him asking me.
“Not much, Lord. I have been working like an atheist dog. I called Your name when I needed comfort and happiness in my heart. I closed my eyes and prayed when I felt bad about things and I needed forgiveness. I went to church every Sunday just to fill in my empty Sunday mornings and, actually, I occasionally forgot to give the tenth.” I answered.
At least I have my reason to skip my birthday this year.
What do I want for my birthday? I want a full year of 2007, renewed and refreshed so that I could start over my life in 2007, better and more responsible.
Lord, have mercy on me! I will change, starting NOW!
posted by Oma Nia at
8:34 AM
1 Comments:
First of all,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, NIA!!
No matter what happened,today is your birthday and you should be grateful for that...It means that He still gives you a chance to live, to bless everyone near you and to prove to Him and you are not an 'atheis dog' like you have said you were...:)
PS: I believe you were better than that!
Take care, sis!
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