Poisonous Pride

I had been discreetly disappeared
Seeking solitude,
Acknowledgement,
and wealth.
But there isn’t any
Yet, I found troublesome, grief, and denial
I wished I hadn’t gone too far.

I try not to boast but I heard that some people were looking for me, looking for the real me writing some good, encouraging text. And I wasn’t available up till now. Because I have just come back from visiting denial, troublesome, grief, sin, silliness,… you name it. And I couldn’t find what I looked for.

Being a first child in the family has made me tough and perseverant, which is in one hand, very good. However, on the other hand, I was shaped to be a very independent person. Going abroad, all by myself, has also contributed to make me who I am right now, a very independent, sometimes self-centered person. I always say to myself, or to others, that I can do everything by myself.

“Do it yourself.” It is a statement that you currently hear everywhere. It is about not depending to other people while you can manage things by yourself. It is also a health issue, which pushes you to do things by yourself so that you can do more movement and lose weight.

But for me, my “do it yourself” level is over the limit. I always try to do every single thing by myself that I forget that I have others. I always feel VERY guilty when I ask other people’s help. By the time I stuck on some things, I always think that I can still do it by myself and don’t need other people.

In result I have overworked myself, or got very ill, or got frustrated.

I have been through this cycle a couple of times and it seemed that I got used to it; until I found another symptom in my cycle. I was very persistent to ask God for some helps. I have been too proud of myself, feeling that I didn’t need His help yet.

And, in the end, I found myself exhausted and starving for some helps.

At that point, I knew that I needed God so bad I could die without Him.

God, please mind Your forgiveness on me.