Misery's best friend

Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you expect it to always be there, because you can't remember a time in your life when it wasn't. But then one day you feel something else, something that feels wrong, only because it's so unfamiliar. And in that moment you realize you're happy.

This quote is coming from One Tree Hill Season 4. Lucas Scott was saying it.

In these past 6 years, pain has become such a huge part of my life that I expect it to always be there. When I feel something unfamiliar, I know that it couldn’t be happiness; because it has never occurred to me lately that I forget how it actually feels like.

In the beginning of my journey to the Netherlands, for the second time, I didn’t know whether I would be happy or sad because of my decision to return to the Netherlands. I am now not yet feeling any definite feeling. I am still perplexed whether I am happy or sad.

These couple of days, I feel a very unsettling, unfamiliar feeling that I might not be sure if it is what happiness would feel like.

I could say that my life is in an OK phase; nothing is wrong. Stefy is here. I am reunited with 75% of my DieKa friends. I have settled some of my issues with some people that I should have settled a long time ago. I have a very nice room, with a nice Vietnamese roommate, and close to the University (like really close – 3 minutes walk close). I have met (and will be meeting) some close friends that I have been wanting to meet. And many more good things.

Knowing that everything is okay, I kinda expect that something wrong would occur to me anytime soon. Like my classmates would hate me. Or I would have no friends in the Hague. Or my parents would call in the middle of the day, somewhere in the end of this year and tell me that they ain’t have any money to pay my expenses anymore, thus I have to go home. Or my fiancée would tell me that he is seeing somebody else in Breda. Or one of my close friends would back stab me. Or someone would steal something from me. Or I would lose something precious. Or I would fail exams or assignments, Or anything bad,…

I don’t know.

When misery has become your close friends, especially for 6 years long, like what I have experienced; you would become miserable as I have become.

I know for sure that God is with me. When He is with me, I shall fear nothing. I know,.. I know this verse by heart. Yet, when I see the world, see the reality, a question pops “will it really be okay?”

I guess I should stop using my brain and just be silly by fully dependant on God and ask nothing; and fear nothing, but God.